Now i feel full and content, as grief and blessing poured all over me.
My grandpa was just passed away few days ago. I was already prepared for this for a year, i always looked for the airplane ticket possibility if i was about to go home today, the next day, the next next day and so on. I already knew this day would come eventually, and He chose the wednesday of last week of november. I rushed to get ticket as fast as i can, wrapped my work as cool as i can, asked permission to my colleague calmly while holding back my tears.
I was so turbulent on my way home, too embarassed to cry, too sad to just stand still. So i cried when the airplane lamp was dimmed.
I thought i would cry my heart out when i reached home, but my family was just too tough to compete, they hid their tears away, so i did too. Everything was so unreal. My dad doesn't have any parents anymore, house felt so quite then, my mom will always be home alone.
He's the teacher, the headmaster, the imam, the best grandpa God ever gave. He's the one to make me taste the sweetness of vitamin c and the bitterness of vitamin b. Now, he's gone. The last time i shake his hand was last month when he's in the hospital and i'm about to go back to the city. I live my whole life with him, yet i took him for granted, i'm sorry grandpa, i'm so sorry.
God please, give him Your best place, make him rest in super peace, take his pain away, please.

In my deepest sorrow i decided to go back to city immediately, i'm afraid i can't take it if i stayed longer at home, i'm afraid the sadness will consume my day. Yet the next day i have to say goodbye to two of my colleagues, so instead i grieve too much, i can share my bubbliness and comfort to my friends. And thank God, it was best decision i could ever made.

The farewell of mas miftah and mba laras was going so smooth. I never thought we can finish our work early and went karaoke-ing for three hours. The timing, the song and the moment was just too good to be true, everybody's happy i guess, and they were touched. I could tell because mas miftah was so poetical texting me gratitude.

Now, i'm on the train listening to Lovesong of The cure feeling blessed and grateful that i can have both my family and my friends, and now i'm going to meet my also important person, my best friend since high school, we both had made an effort to make this vacation possible so i won't ruin it with my sob story, i know my grandpa want me to be happy so i will try to do so while keep remembering him

Down Thru Memory Lane

I say i am quite lucky enough to still have so many friends while away from home. Today is a day so well spent by going to an exhibition in national gallery with my best people, thru thick or thin. My relaxing sunday, no traffic, junk food, great arts. There was one exhibition about indonesia and korea relationship in the early independence year. There's formidable film director called Huyung back then, he made controversial film contained the first ever kissing scene titled Antara Bumi dan Langit, but then the film was reproduced and retitled Frieda. The other exhibition was sketches from a lot of talented artists, there were so many styles, so many medium being used, from rookie to professional arts were included.

We finished lunch in the Main Station and then continued to interior exhibition in the atrium of big mall around Senayan. It was luxurious and high-end, it was such a good opportunity to learn about materials and details, but the venue was too small and the crowd enthusiasm was too big. So it was kind of chaos. But still it's worth visiting tho.

It was very rare to reach my apartment when the sun still up. I stopped by the convenience store to buy detergent and some snacks, oh and to withdraw some cashes. I planned to study or do some works after that. It's been months since i opened my notebook, it's because i don't have anything to do with it, it wasn't originally mine, it was my dad's, mine is used by my baby brother. The one i use had poor specification to be used for some architectural software, so that's why it was soool rare to be used. But today i decided to study, opened some material related to ielts when suddenly i found that my photos that are stored in that laptop were quite a lot. I looked through it one by one and the whole memories went back. Uni days were sooooooooo beautiful, i was so passionate in doing everything, and i want to be back being that girl again. It was beautiful, i'm so grateful, my life was beyond perfect. I realized i was lost, all the sadness all the anger all the doubts i'd had for this last two years should've not been happened, now i want to be that person again, passionate on everything, doing everything in full force, always certain in any decision, making a lot of friends with no doubt. Wish me luck to start again ya :)

You know what, all the mirage are just poof, disappear
All the fear you've been imagining all this time
All the anger you've been building up
It feels like none, empty, like you never had it before
It is numb, but relieving, i don't even know how to describe it
Once you know what you want, what you've been through
Once you accept yourself, ain't no one can hurt you anymore even though you know it well this isn't happy ending
But what the hell is happy ending anyway, when you can move on and live your life as if nothing happen
You did good
You did a great job

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

Hey, it was supposed to be like that. Now i'm down to the ground, i hate being controlled, i hate being commanded, i wanna live the way i wanna live, when i was trapped in someone decision which make me to do something i against, i know it'll be total disaster. But i know i'm a hard worker, i know it sounds narcistic, but i think i know myself that well. I know i have problem with my temper, i know i'm going thru pms right now, i know i take everything too deep right now. I need to take a breath, i'm too panic to face anything.
I'm worried about anything, when i will do laundry, when i will clean my bedroom, when will i wash my bike, when will i service my motorbike, when i will do check up to doctor while i'm so afraid it is cancer or not.
I'm worried about anything, not to mention furious of being assume as a stupid little kid who can do nothing. I hate that the most.

How much i have to say i have given up until i really really do give up on you.
I've reached that point where i can't even describe how i'm feeling anymore, there's no word to elaborate.
You mention it,
Sad? Absolutely
Disappointed? I am
Furious? A lil bit
Devastated? Not that much, but yes
Relief? Included
Happy? Small part
Excited? Not at all
Surprised? I should've known
I know time will heal, i know

I think this is how the world is more cruel than ever
When everything is pointing to you
Even when i don't wanna know it all
Person by person keep mentioning trace of you, asking about you and talking good of you
The ghost of you is in every mutual people we know
Fate is cruel
You are cruel
But, i wish your health get better

It was just yesterday, you did
It felt so unreal
It didn't feel good but not as devastating i thought it would be
I guess that's it, my walls was created with reasons
I built it without doubt, but at times it got weaker
They said don't be afraid
I guess i wasn't afraid, i just knew every single of these things surely would happen
So i said it's okay nid while patting my chest and my head over and over again
Why are you so mean such a precious precious thing

But.

One thing you should know, my will to look tough and not let anyone see my weakness is bigger than my sorrow.
So if you could see me now, i would be laughing my ass of and smiling ear to ear

Dear God,
I'm so grateful beyond everything that i still can breathe until this moment, to see my family settled down after the storm. To see my sister got married. To see my little cousin grew up. To see my kindhearted neighbors lived happily.

You've given me best friends i can't live without. Even though we're not like those gorgeous clique who spent most of time together, take photos together or have a vacation together, they just can't unknow me any better. There i said it.

Though it is sometimes ups and downs, still, you give me best partners at work, who always ease me in misunderstanding, distress, and discourage.

Lastly, I wanna thank you for giving me the opportunity to miss, to cherish, to love and to be hurt in the same time. I promise you i won't take anyone for granted.

You're still there every once awhile
In every sad love songs i'm listening to
Every places we've had good times
The pavements after the rain in that october
Or maybe september or months afterwards
You said every common things that i thought it was beautiful
Your family, your arguments, your jokes
Priceless
I hate you for leaving those in my brain and my heart
I cannot dwell with it right now
It was so huge i forgot how it felt, until now
I forgot how it supposed to feel when i miss you
But now i remember and it is terrible

Here i am feeling the luckiest yet the saddest. I feel like i'm leaving home forever, and the question will always coming back again, when will i settle? When will i take care of them? The first day i got home i was startled of how old my mom look, how her hair turn white, her eyes no longer as clear as i could see the last time i saw her. She said she gained weight, but i felt like she's weakened. Oh God.

And all i can think is selfishly how i'm gonna be rich and get married as soon as possible. I wanna stay home, but with that i'll be jobless, it'll give more concern for them, and that's what i don't want to happen. Ah...

Everything is soooo mixed up. My relationship with anyone isn't as well as before. I cut ties with everybody just because i'm scared of getting hurt, i'm tired but wanting to know more, but ended up hurting. The wall i built is already too high i can turned back anymore. How am i supposed to live?

Oh God don't lemme be desperate.

If i was born as a Mean Girls character, i might be a smart version of Gretchen. I'm not as mean and as pretty as Regina George, not as dumb as Chloe. So Gretchen, with thinking, not a blabbermouth, even tho i admit i'm a lil bit of it.

I have closed my eyes prepared to sail into dreams when life reminded me i wasn't good enough.
I was betrayed so many times until i reached that point that i wouldn't care of anyone new anymore.
It turned out, they, who i believed to be my closest, did not have mutual feeling, i was assumed they're at best, they're trustworthy, and i thought i was their best too. Now i know i'm not.
I hate myself to trust people so easily. I hate them the most to be such an awful person.
I don't know whom to trust anymore.

Now that i know i can survive in this cruel city, everything feels dull. Two days straight, i've spent the weekends in my apartment, not even stepping foot in the lobby, just the convenience store in the back of my building to grab some chips.
I know for sure that i'm an introvert to enjoy my 'me time', but this is so different. I even reject my friends offer to watch The Greatest Showman.
I'm not sure how to go on by worrying so much about my future, holding myself as hard as i can to not involved in any affair in the mean time, feeling insecure about works and such.
I don't know what it feels like to be depressed and i know depression is a real issue that i can make fun of and speculate myself to have one. I can't tell.
Is it depressed or is it just insecurity? Is it depressed or is it just lonely? Is it depressed or is it just amount of feeling of missing somebody?