I can say I like pretty things
By pretty I mean cute things that can make your heart flutter

I like personal songs, yearning one, with instruments that fill up my whole head

I like my own time, listing what I like at the moment

I like to see people smiling by small kind gestures. As simple as saying "Have a nice day to the baristas", saying "Hi selamat sore pak" to the security guard of the restaurant next door

I like when old songs randomly played and all the rush of feeling, rush of moments back then when I liked that song suddenly coming flooding in. It was as if my heart filled with cold fresh breeze, that I can only see how precious those moments were.

I like tidying up my emails and finding out old email exchange with old friend.

I like to talk about things that I like to my friend. Like, I have to tell them right away, at that very second of the moment arrived

I would like to always be able to breathe this fresh cold air, spend my time on my own pace, being safe and secure in the middle of familiar chaotic coffeeshop. How beautiful it is, to feel safe sitting in between strangers, killing time, listening to music and doing whatever I want, without caring what I want in the future, what bad experience that I had, just now, I like being in my seat writing right now.

I completely understand people are struggling and cooped up with their own problem in their own corner. I don't want to be a bother for other people. But on the outside, they look peaceful, on their own phone. I hope everything is going well with them. I hope they can enjoy their drink tastefully, I hope whatever they're doing on their phone is something that make them happy. I wish them the best.

___________________________________________________________________________________

I don't know whether in the future I will be able to recall what I do and what I feel right now. Doing this is an absolute fun, to get my phone down and to finally write down what's inside my head. It's like thinking out loud but documented. I cannot always do this because of so many reasons, like I need to do this in an exact time and exact moment, so when people say journaling only take 5 minutes and csn be quick, for me it does not work that way, because I need my time to really feel. I cannot just say today was hard, everyday is hard, everyday is struggle, that I cannot find my real me in my daily life. But, I don't even know myself in my leisure time, who Am I kidding.

What was it like to be confused of what you're feeling?

What was it like to not knowing yourself?

I believe a lot of people will relate to this question. I was so blinded on my own perspective of having a difficulties, thinking the environment was not great. But actually if you're pulling yourself further a bit just one inch, you can expanded your view a bit more.

Not only you can see the context uncropped, but you also realize you yourself can capture more than you realize.

You can see yourself smaller or you can see yourself bigger. In my case, for now, I see myself actually smaller. I look into myself what makes me feel that way. Am I being sad? Am I being angry? Am I being disappointed? not so sure. Part of me blaming other people of being annoying and slow at keeping up my pace, part of other me knowing I also have taken a part of making myself small.

I realize I was being so caught up in my own head, busy blaming myself as the main reason I'm having my own hardship, while looking out at other people they're doing fine. It's just me. So, I seek help to understand myself more, to know what I really felt, because at that time, I literally don't have time and capacity to just sit and feel.

I was told I was stress, overwhelmed, on the verge of having anxiety. 

That part I can understand and I'm familiar with. But one person told me, I'm being too perfectionist. I push myself to be perfect, and I expect everyone to be perfect. But noone nobody nothing in this world is perfect, so I was just hurting myself doing something impossible. 

I need to learn to let things loose a little bit. But how can I do it when half of my daily life always want to achieve that perfection?

I always know I'm an organized person, but never in my head I'm labeling myself as perfectionist. 

..........

I lost my train of thought

........

I'll continue another day

Everytime something good happen to me, I always think "My parents must have done something right"

I'm always so grateful that I think my good deeds no matter how small cannot pay it back

I'm surrounded with good people good friends good nature good timing

I always believe God is always on my side

Today was one of those. I met friend, it was so easy to get in touch with him, easy to make plan, nothing complicated, no disappointment, no expectation. We were 'let's meet' and here we are.

We talked about work, nostalgic time, funny stories, unexpected tanglement project, portfolio review, family, and life in general.

The hours long of conversation makes me feel so full that when I went home, all that left is loneliness and missing this kind of feeling.

It was dark already when we were back to Ubud. We were on throwback mode, singing in the car with old song playlist and talking on top of each other listing childhood games and old social media. We used to have Facebook, Friendster, ask.fm, Path, and Vines. I mentioned how fun it was for having a blog, but no one related to me other than Bella. That made me miss journaling again, writing to no one, and meant to just let the words be here without anyone notice it. So, here I am, writing to my own future-self.

I'm not going to detail everything that happen today, but I just want you to know that today you were really grateful for the company of several people whether they're there physically or connected by some cute texts through your phone. You spent the whole day super happy. It was you, the girls and silly obsession of making an influencer girl group account. It was super meaningful when you met each other through working in the same company, and there's saying that no bond can ever be stronger than colleague who suffers together. I didn't think we would be this close. I gained several lifetime friends from previous job, but I was always skeptical of having another ones from current job. Why? because basically at first I built my wall so high I didn't let anyone in my personal life. But once I let a crack, the whole zoo came in. I didn't have spare energy to tolerate people, because I was also so hard on myself. Now, I take myself easy, not everything has to go my way, and there's no correct answer of everything.

Also, you still got it, there's butterfly in your tummy. Keep it alive, tiny drama spices up your life. 

 It hits me again

The hole inside, hollow and empty

I cannot even fathom, I cannot even suppress it anymore

It hurts so bad that I'm afraid it will not end

Fetch me, pick me up, anything to mend this stillness

 210801

it's still early in the morning, my mom find it strange to see me taking a bath this early in sunday. I tell her i'm about to head out to N's & V's house, sending them cake and coffee as the way me thanking them for always checking up on me during my one month length quarantine days. I bump into Y at the coffee shop, can't state how happy i am having a real human interaction after a long time. We have a small chit chat before i'm letting myself to go first because the ice coffee getting melted.

I go to V's house first, ringing the doorbell. I'm welcomed by a warm smile i'm already familiar with, it's V's mom. She's ecstatic to see me, she knows i've been stucked at home for so long, she asks me how i've been, how my family has been, and whether everybody has recovered fully. V's house is always welcoming. V's excited to see me bring 3 cups of coffee which she doesn't have to ask for whom I bought it. She announces the good news to her sisters, their heads appear from behind the curtain and railing upstairs, shooting the happiest smile.

Never did I know, that was the last time I saw V's mom

I don't know how to grief. I didn't cry when I listen to V's voice note, she cried her heart out trying her best to let me know that her mom passed away. I didn't cry when I pick up A to go to V's house. I didn't even cry when V's cried in our hug. But my heart shattered in to pieces imagining that warm smile won't welcome me in her house anymore, she won't open the door and call her daughter for me anymore, she won't be there to compliment me how I looked skinny compared to her daughter, she won't be there to send me off her house. How am I supposed to deal with this? Even now, while I'm writing this, I hold a huge lump on my throat not letting any sign of sadness sipping out, I think I'm not even have the right to be sad. I can't even imagine how my best friend in the whole wide world felt after losing her mom.

It's like... Missing someone you don't know

It's not even someone, maybe something

The feeling of longing over an entity, over a situation or a moment

Well, where should i start first?

This overwhelming feeling

It's not that i feel less worthy than i am right now

I think my life is perfect

But i guess people move on with their life, on their phases, with their own speed

I should be thankful

I have the best people God could ever gave

All the support that i get, all the love i should have received well

I once denied it, but when i close my eyes it's crystal clear

Even before i talked about it, i already know what's troubling my head but i refused to admit it

Maybe because i compare myself with people so i feel that way, it triggered the feeling i haven't felt in so long

There's a hole

I couldn't even face my own reflection while thinking about it

I spit it out, telling myself i wasn't supposed to be this weak

It almost feel like a heartbreak with the current situation

It feels like i'm in a transparent box, it's not dark i can still see things outside, i can still spectate the interactions outside but i can't interact outside the box

It is just me mingling with the situation, being all smiley and nice, but alone in the box

What a strange state of mind, thinking that i don't deserve the love in the world

I mean, 'not a leaf falls without His plan' is my mantra

'no one rushes you, go your own speed' is my ideal

What was i thinking?

I wish i feel better when i wake up

Hi stranger,

It passed midnight now. I've been so restless for the last two days. I'm still fasting, yet i don't feel hungry at all, i can't sleep well, my work is done well, i have the time in the world to rest but i can't rest well. I just can't fall a deep sleep. I sleep but feel like i don't. I'm not sad. I'm not feeling any less than myself. I just can't figure out what's wrong to me. Even i don't take a mid day break, i just keep on working but i don't feel tired. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't even consume caffeinne or such for a month now.

I guess it's my subsconscious brain thinking about something i shouldn't. I don't know what i've been anxious about.

I just wanna rest.

My heart is full today.

I met my high school senior and my friend to give the fundraiser fund for my teacher. He looked skinnier, seemed healthy but his vision was already degraded and only recognized us by voice. We chatted, updated each other live, made jokes, gave the parcel the money and left.

And then we went to another beloved teacher's house. She's well, it's been a long time too since I last saw her. She is still active teaching until now, she has 3 years more before retirement.

On our way home, my first teacher called us. We were afraid if he rejected the money because it was quite amount of money, we're afraid if he felt insulted in any way. But he said

" Why do you guys love me so much? Thank you, I will pray for you to be blessed and healthy always "