I can say I like pretty things
By pretty I mean cute things that can make your heart flutter

I like personal songs, yearning one, with instruments that fill up my whole head

I like my own time, listing what I like at the moment

I like to see people smiling by small kind gestures. As simple as saying "Have a nice day to the baristas", saying "Hi selamat sore pak" to the security guard of the restaurant next door

I like when old songs randomly played and all the rush of feeling, rush of moments back then when I liked that song suddenly coming flooding in. It was as if my heart filled with cold fresh breeze, that I can only see how precious those moments were.

I like tidying up my emails and finding out old email exchange with old friend.

I like to talk about things that I like to my friend. Like, I have to tell them right away, at that very second of the moment arrived

I would like to always be able to breathe this fresh cold air, spend my time on my own pace, being safe and secure in the middle of familiar chaotic coffeeshop. How beautiful it is, to feel safe sitting in between strangers, killing time, listening to music and doing whatever I want, without caring what I want in the future, what bad experience that I had, just now, I like being in my seat writing right now.

I completely understand people are struggling and cooped up with their own problem in their own corner. I don't want to be a bother for other people. But on the outside, they look peaceful, on their own phone. I hope everything is going well with them. I hope they can enjoy their drink tastefully, I hope whatever they're doing on their phone is something that make them happy. I wish them the best.

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I don't know whether in the future I will be able to recall what I do and what I feel right now. Doing this is an absolute fun, to get my phone down and to finally write down what's inside my head. It's like thinking out loud but documented. I cannot always do this because of so many reasons, like I need to do this in an exact time and exact moment, so when people say journaling only take 5 minutes and csn be quick, for me it does not work that way, because I need my time to really feel. I cannot just say today was hard, everyday is hard, everyday is struggle, that I cannot find my real me in my daily life. But, I don't even know myself in my leisure time, who Am I kidding.

What was it like to be confused of what you're feeling?

What was it like to not knowing yourself?

I believe a lot of people will relate to this question. I was so blinded on my own perspective of having a difficulties, thinking the environment was not great. But actually if you're pulling yourself further a bit just one inch, you can expanded your view a bit more.

Not only you can see the context uncropped, but you also realize you yourself can capture more than you realize.

You can see yourself smaller or you can see yourself bigger. In my case, for now, I see myself actually smaller. I look into myself what makes me feel that way. Am I being sad? Am I being angry? Am I being disappointed? not so sure. Part of me blaming other people of being annoying and slow at keeping up my pace, part of other me knowing I also have taken a part of making myself small.

I realize I was being so caught up in my own head, busy blaming myself as the main reason I'm having my own hardship, while looking out at other people they're doing fine. It's just me. So, I seek help to understand myself more, to know what I really felt, because at that time, I literally don't have time and capacity to just sit and feel.

I was told I was stress, overwhelmed, on the verge of having anxiety. 

That part I can understand and I'm familiar with. But one person told me, I'm being too perfectionist. I push myself to be perfect, and I expect everyone to be perfect. But noone nobody nothing in this world is perfect, so I was just hurting myself doing something impossible. 

I need to learn to let things loose a little bit. But how can I do it when half of my daily life always want to achieve that perfection?

I always know I'm an organized person, but never in my head I'm labeling myself as perfectionist. 

..........

I lost my train of thought

........

I'll continue another day

Everytime something good happen to me, I always think "My parents must have done something right"

I'm always so grateful that I think my good deeds no matter how small cannot pay it back

I'm surrounded with good people good friends good nature good timing

I always believe God is always on my side

Today was one of those. I met friend, it was so easy to get in touch with him, easy to make plan, nothing complicated, no disappointment, no expectation. We were 'let's meet' and here we are.

We talked about work, nostalgic time, funny stories, unexpected tanglement project, portfolio review, family, and life in general.

The hours long of conversation makes me feel so full that when I went home, all that left is loneliness and missing this kind of feeling.