Here i am feeling the luckiest yet the saddest. I feel like i'm leaving home forever, and the question will always coming back again, when will i settle? When will i take care of them? The first day i got home i was startled of how old my mom look, how her hair turn white, her eyes no longer as clear as i could see the last time i saw her. She said she gained weight, but i felt like she's weakened. Oh God.

And all i can think is selfishly how i'm gonna be rich and get married as soon as possible. I wanna stay home, but with that i'll be jobless, it'll give more concern for them, and that's what i don't want to happen. Ah...

Everything is soooo mixed up. My relationship with anyone isn't as well as before. I cut ties with everybody just because i'm scared of getting hurt, i'm tired but wanting to know more, but ended up hurting. The wall i built is already too high i can turned back anymore. How am i supposed to live?

Oh God don't lemme be desperate.