My heart is full today.

I met my high school senior and my friend to give the fundraiser fund for my teacher. He looked skinnier, seemed healthy but his vision was already degraded and only recognized us by voice. We chatted, updated each other live, made jokes, gave the parcel the money and left.

And then we went to another beloved teacher's house. She's well, it's been a long time too since I last saw her. She is still active teaching until now, she has 3 years more before retirement.

On our way home, my first teacher called us. We were afraid if he rejected the money because it was quite amount of money, we're afraid if he felt insulted in any way. But he said

" Why do you guys love me so much? Thank you, I will pray for you to be blessed and healthy always "

- please note that i wrote this right after i woke up with sleepy eyes and confused brain in the middle of suhoor, excuse all the gramatical error and sudden change of language in the middle, and if any of the subject read this just remember that this is just my dream, i don't mean anything, i just wanna embrace the feeling of having it so i wrote it -

I have a nightmare, which giving me terrible feelings, that all these time closure that i need is from lathif, that i have forgotten all the memories about him, even tho he's been keep in tack on everything i did and make it right. And i don't realized it at all.

I don't remember the detail, also i have a lil bit amnesia in the dream too. I was crossing the big road with someone i know using atasan rukuh, i dropped my phone and wallet in the middle of the road, i don't know why, but then i realized it was a bad idea so i took it again, bravely without minding the vehicle crossing. In the other side of the street, there's two girls arguing about how to properly cross the street as i have assume insulted me. After that i feel like two days have passed, weekend actually.

I was with him, lathif. In the intersection, there's this one restaurant, very busy one. Then he told me look at them two, i can't see 'em, i was having a really bad eyes in my dream. I remember him saying it was riris and kampret. So i stepped closer, there's them waving at me and teases me like the old days. There's nisa bu kormanit too.

After that i was with two girls i dunno who. They glared at me full of suspicion, that they asked me what's going on with me and lathif. I said none, even tho i have no memories of what has been happening in the weekend i said i might be contacted him when i was down and we hang out. But they told me that's not the case, they told me the hard drive was mine (i was once erasing the whole hard drive of my colleague), i said no it wasn't mine, it was there when i arrived, and they said no, you don't understand, it was lathif.

Which it was ended abruptly leaving me confused and shocked after waking up. I assume ah maybe it was lathif who restore the hard drive for me, but the accident happen when i wasn't with him anymore, it was waaaay years after i broke up with him.

What's this?

I mean i don't ever think about them in my life even a second, why they appear on my dream. In all odds, it supposed to be my high school friends that come in my dream because i was just closing the fund raising at midnight.

Dunno what's happening with my head.

I was fine last night jokingly posting on twitter that i've been living a peaceful life and then suddenly i was faced with the past. Ea (exclamation slang in Bahasa, indicating flirty joke). But I'm so overwhelmed right now, i need to let it out or i can't function well the whole day.

High school is the trigger of my anxiety rise up because i was pretty much going thru hell at that time, there's something unsolved, but nothing require closure, not now not then. Something linger that gives me the whole melancholy effect just knowing i have to inform my (was) classmate that my teacher is unwell and he needs our help. 

I'm not even kidding, this uneasy feeling keeps creeping me out. I wish i could turn back time, insert wayv song: stop... rewind... turn back time... he he he. Or simply forget one single thing in my brain that i have ever done something horrible and in return being treated badly. My feelings was just so much in high school, i took it to heart for everything that went on in my life, so when i was happy, my heart was so full until its exploded, but when i was down, i felt like the whole world against me and sank me to the center of the earth, like i had no one to hold on.

lessons learned, lessons learned, lessons learned.

let go of what you treasure dearly and has been gone for so long, you're no longer significant for others, live your life to the fullest for yourself, don't expect anything in return from anyone, everyman for himself, lift yourself up.

NAMASTE!!!!