I think this is how the world is more cruel than ever
When everything is pointing to you
Even when i don't wanna know it all
Person by person keep mentioning trace of you, asking about you and talking good of you
The ghost of you is in every mutual people we know
Fate is cruel
You are cruel
But, i wish your health get better

It was just yesterday, you did
It felt so unreal
It didn't feel good but not as devastating i thought it would be
I guess that's it, my walls was created with reasons
I built it without doubt, but at times it got weaker
They said don't be afraid
I guess i wasn't afraid, i just knew every single of these things surely would happen
So i said it's okay nid while patting my chest and my head over and over again
Why are you so mean such a precious precious thing

But.

One thing you should know, my will to look tough and not let anyone see my weakness is bigger than my sorrow.
So if you could see me now, i would be laughing my ass of and smiling ear to ear

Dear God,
I'm so grateful beyond everything that i still can breathe until this moment, to see my family settled down after the storm. To see my sister got married. To see my little cousin grew up. To see my kindhearted neighbors lived happily.

You've given me best friends i can't live without. Even though we're not like those gorgeous clique who spent most of time together, take photos together or have a vacation together, they just can't unknow me any better. There i said it.

Though it is sometimes ups and downs, still, you give me best partners at work, who always ease me in misunderstanding, distress, and discourage.

Lastly, I wanna thank you for giving me the opportunity to miss, to cherish, to love and to be hurt in the same time. I promise you i won't take anyone for granted.

You're still there every once awhile
In every sad love songs i'm listening to
Every places we've had good times
The pavements after the rain in that october
Or maybe september or months afterwards
You said every common things that i thought it was beautiful
Your family, your arguments, your jokes
Priceless
I hate you for leaving those in my brain and my heart
I cannot dwell with it right now
It was so huge i forgot how it felt, until now
I forgot how it supposed to feel when i miss you
But now i remember and it is terrible

Here i am feeling the luckiest yet the saddest. I feel like i'm leaving home forever, and the question will always coming back again, when will i settle? When will i take care of them? The first day i got home i was startled of how old my mom look, how her hair turn white, her eyes no longer as clear as i could see the last time i saw her. She said she gained weight, but i felt like she's weakened. Oh God.

And all i can think is selfishly how i'm gonna be rich and get married as soon as possible. I wanna stay home, but with that i'll be jobless, it'll give more concern for them, and that's what i don't want to happen. Ah...

Everything is soooo mixed up. My relationship with anyone isn't as well as before. I cut ties with everybody just because i'm scared of getting hurt, i'm tired but wanting to know more, but ended up hurting. The wall i built is already too high i can turned back anymore. How am i supposed to live?

Oh God don't lemme be desperate.

If i was born as a Mean Girls character, i might be a smart version of Gretchen. I'm not as mean and as pretty as Regina George, not as dumb as Chloe. So Gretchen, with thinking, not a blabbermouth, even tho i admit i'm a lil bit of it.

I have closed my eyes prepared to sail into dreams when life reminded me i wasn't good enough.
I was betrayed so many times until i reached that point that i wouldn't care of anyone new anymore.
It turned out, they, who i believed to be my closest, did not have mutual feeling, i was assumed they're at best, they're trustworthy, and i thought i was their best too. Now i know i'm not.
I hate myself to trust people so easily. I hate them the most to be such an awful person.
I don't know whom to trust anymore.

Now that i know i can survive in this cruel city, everything feels dull. Two days straight, i've spent the weekends in my apartment, not even stepping foot in the lobby, just the convenience store in the back of my building to grab some chips.
I know for sure that i'm an introvert to enjoy my 'me time', but this is so different. I even reject my friends offer to watch The Greatest Showman.
I'm not sure how to go on by worrying so much about my future, holding myself as hard as i can to not involved in any affair in the mean time, feeling insecure about works and such.
I don't know what it feels like to be depressed and i know depression is a real issue that i can make fun of and speculate myself to have one. I can't tell.
Is it depressed or is it just insecurity? Is it depressed or is it just lonely? Is it depressed or is it just amount of feeling of missing somebody?

So this is how it feels
I dreamt about it one night, told about it with anyone without mentioning the main role in that situation
I thought you would get bad omen
Or the opposite.
Because i didn't know and didn't wanna know what it meant
The situation itself made me not wanting to be in it
Ah what i am blabbering about
Truth is i don't wanna feel it anymore

Summary

It was almost four years ago. Maybe we knew each other, maybe we introduced ourselves, i didn't recall exactly how it happened. But we met.
I was no one, and still am, busy with college stuff, assignment, doing life worth living.
I only remembered pieces by pieces how my fate was tangled up with yours. We started everything differently, you and your world, and I was with mine.

I was in the second year when I formally knew you, and by formally i meant it was really in a formal occasion to discuss about serious project. It was basically a friend of my friend who introduce you. The meeting went well, but i was so immature back then, even i'm ashamed to talk about it now, maybe i felt like i was way more senior then i could boss around. I hope your forget that one. But that was that. We kept being colleague since then, but we just knew each other, no chatting, no talking, no meeting if there's no business related.

My friend who knew and work with you way earlier than me kept talking good about you, i was like 'eh yeah maybe he's good, but whatev'. Then i had more and more project to work with you, you were so helpful until i reached the point of wanting you, wanting you to help me over and over again, and you never refused, or i erased the memory of you refusing. I was blinded. I even nominated you to be a part of my project.

It was when one of our team mates got sick and you - or me, couldn't recall - decided to visit. It was when we had site visit and you offered me a ride. It was you helped me distribute results and went around the city. It was you accompanied me welcoming colleague guests. It was you kept me updated while i was away.

Time went by, we got closer, but who knew our fates were not in it at that time. I was with someone else when you did also, the same time. I was heartbroken when you told me everything. I felt like i cheated and got cheat on the same time. Everything was so complicated at that time, i didn't want you to be with someone else while i was with someone else, and yet i didn't want to be someone else's relationship breaker. So i held myself back.

I was jealous as hell to see you with someone else, so i planted a suggestion to myself pretending to be happy and kept my own relationship existed, even though it's not healthy, even though my heart's not in it. Until i reached the climax, it was when i was on my way to finish my thesis, when i was on maximum stress, when i couldn't fake it anymore and i couldn't bear to hurt him even more. So i broke up with him, i gave him any excuses i could catch on my mind, by not mentioning you. I broke down and cried as i lost someone to count on, but the next morning when i got up, it was like a huge rock in my chest was lifted, no more lying, no more faking, no more worries.

I never told you that story, i never told you i was in relationship to keep myself - look like i was - available. A week after that, you told me you broke up with her, you told me with good laughs as if it's not something bad, you said it was relief, you said you're finally free. I was so happy for you back then, honest. So we started to talk and meet frequently, in special occasions, in yours and my birthday.

Just - maybe - a month later after you broke up, you said you get back together because you said she said she wanted to change and you couldn't bear to see her cry. Then i crumbled down inside, but thank God that time i was in a hectic days to finish my thesis so i got lots of distraction not to think about some lame love story. I let you to have your own world that time while i backed down, turned myself to worry about after college life.

I graduated and got a job in the city, it was best when i could get away from you by distance - i meant we still kept in touch  -. But i made a fundamental mistake by visiting you the first time i went home after months working. We talked about everything for hours until it's time for me to catch the train. It was repeated every single time i went back home. It became a habit for us, it was fun, but because of the fun i couldn't stop it.

You said you broke up again with her and this was for good. You said you wouldn't get back with her again, not in the mean time, you need to finish school. Not in the mean time, but it would be possible another time, i assumed. I knew it.

I managed to not get to attached with you, not to share with you so frequently. Until you graduated and was accepted to work in the city, only 3 miles away from where i lived. Fuck fate, but this was gone to far.

It was exhausting, i couldn't even decided to build my wall again or not because i saw possibility, but this wasn't real.

Now, you go with your world and i go with mine. Let the confusion be mine only, let the fear of losing you by not confessing to you be mine only, and let the fate decide how hard it tries to tangle us yet separate us.