Summary

It was almost four years ago. Maybe we knew each other, maybe we introduced ourselves, i didn't recall exactly how it happened. But we met.
I was no one, and still am, busy with college stuff, assignment, doing life worth living.
I only remembered pieces by pieces how my fate was tangled up with yours. We started everything differently, you and your world, and I was with mine.

I was in the second year when I formally knew you, and by formally i meant it was really in a formal occasion to discuss about serious project. It was basically a friend of my friend who introduce you. The meeting went well, but i was so immature back then, even i'm ashamed to talk about it now, maybe i felt like i was way more senior then i could boss around. I hope your forget that one. But that was that. We kept being colleague since then, but we just knew each other, no chatting, no talking, no meeting if there's no business related.

My friend who knew and work with you way earlier than me kept talking good about you, i was like 'eh yeah maybe he's good, but whatev'. Then i had more and more project to work with you, you were so helpful until i reached the point of wanting you, wanting you to help me over and over again, and you never refused, or i erased the memory of you refusing. I was blinded. I even nominated you to be a part of my project.

It was when one of our team mates got sick and you - or me, couldn't recall - decided to visit. It was when we had site visit and you offered me a ride. It was you helped me distribute results and went around the city. It was you accompanied me welcoming colleague guests. It was you kept me updated while i was away.

Time went by, we got closer, but who knew our fates were not in it at that time. I was with someone else when you did also, the same time. I was heartbroken when you told me everything. I felt like i cheated and got cheat on the same time. Everything was so complicated at that time, i didn't want you to be with someone else while i was with someone else, and yet i didn't want to be someone else's relationship breaker. So i held myself back.

I was jealous as hell to see you with someone else, so i planted a suggestion to myself pretending to be happy and kept my own relationship existed, even though it's not healthy, even though my heart's not in it. Until i reached the climax, it was when i was on my way to finish my thesis, when i was on maximum stress, when i couldn't fake it anymore and i couldn't bear to hurt him even more. So i broke up with him, i gave him any excuses i could catch on my mind, by not mentioning you. I broke down and cried as i lost someone to count on, but the next morning when i got up, it was like a huge rock in my chest was lifted, no more lying, no more faking, no more worries.

I never told you that story, i never told you i was in relationship to keep myself - look like i was - available. A week after that, you told me you broke up with her, you told me with good laughs as if it's not something bad, you said it was relief, you said you're finally free. I was so happy for you back then, honest. So we started to talk and meet frequently, in special occasions, in yours and my birthday.

Just - maybe - a month later after you broke up, you said you get back together because you said she said she wanted to change and you couldn't bear to see her cry. Then i crumbled down inside, but thank God that time i was in a hectic days to finish my thesis so i got lots of distraction not to think about some lame love story. I let you to have your own world that time while i backed down, turned myself to worry about after college life.

I graduated and got a job in the city, it was best when i could get away from you by distance - i meant we still kept in touch  -. But i made a fundamental mistake by visiting you the first time i went home after months working. We talked about everything for hours until it's time for me to catch the train. It was repeated every single time i went back home. It became a habit for us, it was fun, but because of the fun i couldn't stop it.

You said you broke up again with her and this was for good. You said you wouldn't get back with her again, not in the mean time, you need to finish school. Not in the mean time, but it would be possible another time, i assumed. I knew it.

I managed to not get to attached with you, not to share with you so frequently. Until you graduated and was accepted to work in the city, only 3 miles away from where i lived. Fuck fate, but this was gone to far.

It was exhausting, i couldn't even decided to build my wall again or not because i saw possibility, but this wasn't real.

Now, you go with your world and i go with mine. Let the confusion be mine only, let the fear of losing you by not confessing to you be mine only, and let the fate decide how hard it tries to tangle us yet separate us.