It hits me again

The hole inside, hollow and empty

I cannot even fathom, I cannot even suppress it anymore

It hurts so bad that I'm afraid it will not end

Fetch me, pick me up, anything to mend this stillness

 210801

it's still early in the morning, my mom find it strange to see me taking a bath this early in sunday. I tell her i'm about to head out to N's & V's house, sending them cake and coffee as the way me thanking them for always checking up on me during my one month length quarantine days. I bump into Y at the coffee shop, can't state how happy i am having a real human interaction after a long time. We have a small chit chat before i'm letting myself to go first because the ice coffee getting melted.

I go to V's house first, ringing the doorbell. I'm welcomed by a warm smile i'm already familiar with, it's V's mom. She's ecstatic to see me, she knows i've been stucked at home for so long, she asks me how i've been, how my family has been, and whether everybody has recovered fully. V's house is always welcoming. V's excited to see me bring 3 cups of coffee which she doesn't have to ask for whom I bought it. She announces the good news to her sisters, their heads appear from behind the curtain and railing upstairs, shooting the happiest smile.

Never did I know, that was the last time I saw V's mom

I don't know how to grief. I didn't cry when I listen to V's voice note, she cried her heart out trying her best to let me know that her mom passed away. I didn't cry when I pick up A to go to V's house. I didn't even cry when V's cried in our hug. But my heart shattered in to pieces imagining that warm smile won't welcome me in her house anymore, she won't open the door and call her daughter for me anymore, she won't be there to compliment me how I looked skinny compared to her daughter, she won't be there to send me off her house. How am I supposed to deal with this? Even now, while I'm writing this, I hold a huge lump on my throat not letting any sign of sadness sipping out, I think I'm not even have the right to be sad. I can't even imagine how my best friend in the whole wide world felt after losing her mom.

It's like... Missing someone you don't know

It's not even someone, maybe something

The feeling of longing over an entity, over a situation or a moment

Well, where should i start first?

This overwhelming feeling

It's not that i feel less worthy than i am right now

I think my life is perfect

But i guess people move on with their life, on their phases, with their own speed

I should be thankful

I have the best people God could ever gave

All the support that i get, all the love i should have received well

I once denied it, but when i close my eyes it's crystal clear

Even before i talked about it, i already know what's troubling my head but i refused to admit it

Maybe because i compare myself with people so i feel that way, it triggered the feeling i haven't felt in so long

There's a hole

I couldn't even face my own reflection while thinking about it

I spit it out, telling myself i wasn't supposed to be this weak

It almost feel like a heartbreak with the current situation

It feels like i'm in a transparent box, it's not dark i can still see things outside, i can still spectate the interactions outside but i can't interact outside the box

It is just me mingling with the situation, being all smiley and nice, but alone in the box

What a strange state of mind, thinking that i don't deserve the love in the world

I mean, 'not a leaf falls without His plan' is my mantra

'no one rushes you, go your own speed' is my ideal

What was i thinking?

I wish i feel better when i wake up

Hi stranger,

It passed midnight now. I've been so restless for the last two days. I'm still fasting, yet i don't feel hungry at all, i can't sleep well, my work is done well, i have the time in the world to rest but i can't rest well. I just can't fall a deep sleep. I sleep but feel like i don't. I'm not sad. I'm not feeling any less than myself. I just can't figure out what's wrong to me. Even i don't take a mid day break, i just keep on working but i don't feel tired. Don't know if that's a good thing or not. I don't even consume caffeinne or such for a month now.

I guess it's my subsconscious brain thinking about something i shouldn't. I don't know what i've been anxious about.

I just wanna rest.

My heart is full today.

I met my high school senior and my friend to give the fundraiser fund for my teacher. He looked skinnier, seemed healthy but his vision was already degraded and only recognized us by voice. We chatted, updated each other live, made jokes, gave the parcel the money and left.

And then we went to another beloved teacher's house. She's well, it's been a long time too since I last saw her. She is still active teaching until now, she has 3 years more before retirement.

On our way home, my first teacher called us. We were afraid if he rejected the money because it was quite amount of money, we're afraid if he felt insulted in any way. But he said

" Why do you guys love me so much? Thank you, I will pray for you to be blessed and healthy always "

- please note that i wrote this right after i woke up with sleepy eyes and confused brain in the middle of suhoor, excuse all the gramatical error and sudden change of language in the middle, and if any of the subject read this just remember that this is just my dream, i don't mean anything, i just wanna embrace the feeling of having it so i wrote it -

I have a nightmare, which giving me terrible feelings, that all these time closure that i need is from lathif, that i have forgotten all the memories about him, even tho he's been keep in tack on everything i did and make it right. And i don't realized it at all.

I don't remember the detail, also i have a lil bit amnesia in the dream too. I was crossing the big road with someone i know using atasan rukuh, i dropped my phone and wallet in the middle of the road, i don't know why, but then i realized it was a bad idea so i took it again, bravely without minding the vehicle crossing. In the other side of the street, there's two girls arguing about how to properly cross the street as i have assume insulted me. After that i feel like two days have passed, weekend actually.

I was with him, lathif. In the intersection, there's this one restaurant, very busy one. Then he told me look at them two, i can't see 'em, i was having a really bad eyes in my dream. I remember him saying it was riris and kampret. So i stepped closer, there's them waving at me and teases me like the old days. There's nisa bu kormanit too.

After that i was with two girls i dunno who. They glared at me full of suspicion, that they asked me what's going on with me and lathif. I said none, even tho i have no memories of what has been happening in the weekend i said i might be contacted him when i was down and we hang out. But they told me that's not the case, they told me the hard drive was mine (i was once erasing the whole hard drive of my colleague), i said no it wasn't mine, it was there when i arrived, and they said no, you don't understand, it was lathif.

Which it was ended abruptly leaving me confused and shocked after waking up. I assume ah maybe it was lathif who restore the hard drive for me, but the accident happen when i wasn't with him anymore, it was waaaay years after i broke up with him.

What's this?

I mean i don't ever think about them in my life even a second, why they appear on my dream. In all odds, it supposed to be my high school friends that come in my dream because i was just closing the fund raising at midnight.

Dunno what's happening with my head.

I was fine last night jokingly posting on twitter that i've been living a peaceful life and then suddenly i was faced with the past. Ea (exclamation slang in Bahasa, indicating flirty joke). But I'm so overwhelmed right now, i need to let it out or i can't function well the whole day.

High school is the trigger of my anxiety rise up because i was pretty much going thru hell at that time, there's something unsolved, but nothing require closure, not now not then. Something linger that gives me the whole melancholy effect just knowing i have to inform my (was) classmate that my teacher is unwell and he needs our help. 

I'm not even kidding, this uneasy feeling keeps creeping me out. I wish i could turn back time, insert wayv song: stop... rewind... turn back time... he he he. Or simply forget one single thing in my brain that i have ever done something horrible and in return being treated badly. My feelings was just so much in high school, i took it to heart for everything that went on in my life, so when i was happy, my heart was so full until its exploded, but when i was down, i felt like the whole world against me and sank me to the center of the earth, like i had no one to hold on.

lessons learned, lessons learned, lessons learned.

let go of what you treasure dearly and has been gone for so long, you're no longer significant for others, live your life to the fullest for yourself, don't expect anything in return from anyone, everyman for himself, lift yourself up.

NAMASTE!!!!

I hit the rock bottom... Again. I feel frustrated because i think i can't do anything, i can't let my anger out. From the very first day, i knew i would do a good job but i couldn't guarantee myself to fit in with the circumstances.

I was plotted with partners (almost) twice my age, i trusted them because they're seniors, and i sweared to myself i wouldn't make any scene to stand out or whatever reasons. They made the budget arrangement without looking at my drawing, i know they have waaaaay more experience than me, but still, i feel a lil bit disappointed. But then, alright, i'm okay with that i can revise my drawing. Don't get me wrong, they're nice, but i feel useless now, i can't do the job i supposed to do. It was nicr of em not letting me face the people alone, i feel grateful yet trapped in the same time. What am i supposed to do? I can just sit still, hearing to whatever they say, fake laughing and pretending to care about their jokes. 

With this mess inside my head, i cannot act normal around them, so i just shut up the whole day for the better good.

Hi, it's been a while, isn't it?

I'm far away from home again, i can't believe how much i miss home right now, even though i was just there this morning.

It was just like dejavu, everything. It was also august 4 years ago, when my phone number was blocked and i had sent portfolio everywhere. It happened again this year, my phone number was blocked and i was just sent dozens of job application. Then, again, my senior asked me to fill in a spot. The same as four years ago. I only had a week to prepare and here i am in a strange land i have never visited before. Of course i feel lonely, i don't know any single person here, yet they have local language which i don't understand. But this loneliness makes me get closer to God, makes me more grateful about everythinh.

 I don't wanna make my parents worried, i said everything's fine, but it is indeed fine. Not like four years ago when i said everything is fine, the fact is i'm struggling a lot, my boarding house wasn't as nice as this at first. I had to lie over and over again that i had already went home after work, the fact was i still at the office until the next morning.

Wis me best of luck that i don't have to lie anymore, i won't make them worry, i'll tell everything that i do. It always always always feels like i took everything for granted.