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it's still early in the morning, my mom find it strange to see me taking a bath this early in sunday. I tell her i'm about to head out to N's & V's house, sending them cake and coffee as the way me thanking them for always checking up on me during my one month length quarantine days. I bump into Y at the coffee shop, can't state how happy i am having a real human interaction after a long time. We have a small chit chat before i'm letting myself to go first because the ice coffee getting melted.

I go to V's house first, ringing the doorbell. I'm welcomed by a warm smile i'm already familiar with, it's V's mom. She's ecstatic to see me, she knows i've been stucked at home for so long, she asks me how i've been, how my family has been, and whether everybody has recovered fully. V's house is always welcoming. V's excited to see me bring 3 cups of coffee which she doesn't have to ask for whom I bought it. She announces the good news to her sisters, their heads appear from behind the curtain and railing upstairs, shooting the happiest smile.

Never did I know, that was the last time I saw V's mom

I don't know how to grief. I didn't cry when I listen to V's voice note, she cried her heart out trying her best to let me know that her mom passed away. I didn't cry when I pick up A to go to V's house. I didn't even cry when V's cried in our hug. But my heart shattered in to pieces imagining that warm smile won't welcome me in her house anymore, she won't open the door and call her daughter for me anymore, she won't be there to compliment me how I looked skinny compared to her daughter, she won't be there to send me off her house. How am I supposed to deal with this? Even now, while I'm writing this, I hold a huge lump on my throat not letting any sign of sadness sipping out, I think I'm not even have the right to be sad. I can't even imagine how my best friend in the whole wide world felt after losing her mom.