I hit the rock bottom... Again. I feel frustrated because i think i can't do anything, i can't let my anger out. From the very first day, i knew i would do a good job but i couldn't guarantee myself to fit in with the circumstances.

I was plotted with partners (almost) twice my age, i trusted them because they're seniors, and i sweared to myself i wouldn't make any scene to stand out or whatever reasons. They made the budget arrangement without looking at my drawing, i know they have waaaaay more experience than me, but still, i feel a lil bit disappointed. But then, alright, i'm okay with that i can revise my drawing. Don't get me wrong, they're nice, but i feel useless now, i can't do the job i supposed to do. It was nicr of em not letting me face the people alone, i feel grateful yet trapped in the same time. What am i supposed to do? I can just sit still, hearing to whatever they say, fake laughing and pretending to care about their jokes. 

With this mess inside my head, i cannot act normal around them, so i just shut up the whole day for the better good.

Hi, it's been a while, isn't it?

I'm far away from home again, i can't believe how much i miss home right now, even though i was just there this morning.

It was just like dejavu, everything. It was also august 4 years ago, when my phone number was blocked and i had sent portfolio everywhere. It happened again this year, my phone number was blocked and i was just sent dozens of job application. Then, again, my senior asked me to fill in a spot. The same as four years ago. I only had a week to prepare and here i am in a strange land i have never visited before. Of course i feel lonely, i don't know any single person here, yet they have local language which i don't understand. But this loneliness makes me get closer to God, makes me more grateful about everythinh.

 I don't wanna make my parents worried, i said everything's fine, but it is indeed fine. Not like four years ago when i said everything is fine, the fact is i'm struggling a lot, my boarding house wasn't as nice as this at first. I had to lie over and over again that i had already went home after work, the fact was i still at the office until the next morning.

Wis me best of luck that i don't have to lie anymore, i won't make them worry, i'll tell everything that i do. It always always always feels like i took everything for granted.

How grateful i am to be born with such diversity background knowledge family

My mom is a housewife which can cook literally anything, good at doing chores, and was an iron lady when my sister was unable to be independent.

My dad was a civil servant, is a bachelor of public administration, so he knows everything and is so critical about government policy.

My sister was a bachelor in medicine, master in public health. She's our guardian regarding health. Whatever she says is like a command so every single members of the family has to do it. When corona virus outbreak, my dad stop doing exercise in the city hall as my sister tell him to do so, instead doing it at home.

Me... I am a bachelor in architectural engineering who knows much about design, pretty much a tinker, and can fix anything. I know about construction and newest trend in the world, and trivial things which not related with anything i'm good at.

My brother is a student of information technology, he knows about coding, good at formatting windows and reinstall it, always always do whatever people tell him to, good boy.

February,

i flopped my ielts test so hard, only got 5,5 on writing because of the overthinking and nervousness. But thankfully the overall band is still can be used to apply scholarship which later require another ielts test if i can get through. So, i will take the test again anyway, no regrets.
Talking about scholarship hunting, i don't know when will i start another thing, i mean, i don't know until when i will stay unemployed and living this slow motion life but at least i need to finish this procedure first, i don't know when i will have the courage to do this if not now. I'm so thankful of what i got now, so many things i can't do then i can do it now. now i can swim, i took ielts for the first time, i went to bali, i volunteer to teach, i learn how to drive, and those lots of things that i do for the first time.

as i prepare documents for scholarship application, there are lots of things i forgot i had ever had, i knew i joined many organizations and events but winning second place for writing about the world of muslimah was another story, so not me, but i won anyway.

i needed to scan everything to keep the soft file, but the last time multi function printer that can be used for printing, scanning and faxing in my house was used when i was in high school. When i was a kid, my dad said that i was cold handed, a phrase in bahasa, which means i could always fix broken things. And it still works until now, i can revive the never been used since high school printer. And while i was at it i also scanned all of the polaroid i took, including the one i took at my farewell almost 2 months ago.

 

Hi again, seems so productive to publish two entries in a month, doesn't it? hahahahahaha who am i kidding?. You know i should be studying right now because i'm going to have ielts test this saturday, but instead i feel like relieving myself by posting another heartfelt-growing-up-is-so-hard story. Let's pretend this is task 2 of writing test, so here we are...

I was born in such a lucky family, everything is enough. I have an older sister and a younger brother, but I never felt I belong here, either in the neighborhood or the family itself. I don't know maybe because my parents attention never fully on my side, I assumed I didn't even have 30% of it. 

I was such a good girl in the elementary school. I was known to be the bright child who brought all friends together. I didn't really like school back then, I usually faked my sleep, waking me up was struggle for my parents, but they never gave up and dragged me out of the bed because my friends already gathered in front of my house to pick me up. As time gone by, it was fine until I reached grade 4. I knew my senior a year older than me, educationally (technically we're two years apart, because I was too younger for my class, and she's too old for her year). I befriended her, I also persuaded my friends to join us making a gang. Yes, imma gangster. 

I was a child back then, didn't know really what to do. She took advantage of our friendship (which i thought it was sincere) by taking money of us in turn. I had a diary just like any other girl had at that time, I wrote everything in detail. Everything, in detail. One day, my mom confronted me in front of the neighbor to cut ties with the senior and ask why I was so naive and gave her money. That day I knew my mom read my diary, I felt so betrayed, I mean... yes she knew I had problem and she was concerned about it, but hello it must had been a reason I only wrote it on my diary and not telling her. It was my problem and I thought i could resolve it on my own. And of course there was a whole lots of secret i wanted to keep it on my own. I was so upset that i don't have diary anymore.

After elementary, I pursue my junior and high school in the city, I was at school the whole day and always came home when it was already dark, so I didn't have that much interaction with the neighborhood. I was in senior high when my mom told me to greet the neighbor because one of them saw me in the morning and I showed flat face while passing. I mean... so judgy and unnecessary. I do what I want, people are just so narrow-minded. From that time, the feeling of being left out is strengthen, because my mom cared more of what people say than me, and it is not just happened once or twice. 

This whole situation peaked when my sister had an accident and severely injured. The whole family was focusing on her, even until now. It was my critical years because it was the final year of high school, i had problems with 2 of my-no-longer-best friends, i had final in front of my eyes, i had to decide my future study, yet i had to go through it all alone. Maybe they helped but i just don't remember, maybe i am too skeptical to remember all the good time back then.

I was so eager to go somewhere far to pursue my study, if i could, i would go abroad, but I reflected on my self and not really confident hehe so i just chose somewhere far but still within Indonesia. I chose Bandung hehe. But when it was almost the D-day to submit the registration, my parents didn't permit it, they said there weren't any relatives in Bandung and no one would take care of me, and our family still recovered from my sister accident, they needed to take care of her first. That was the very first time they didn't allow me to do things. I cried a river.

Once it resolved, i got accepted to the university which was only an hour drive from my home, i was planned to go home every weekend. I started to look for boarding house, take my toefl test, go through orientation, and finish my study on my own (with the helps of parents financially), i doubt they even know what i did in uni though. But still, graduated, yep.

It wasn't even my graduation yet when i got a job, i arranged every single thing on my own again, i planned to not approving any kind of help or any request to visit from my relatives, even though i could make it happen. I thought i was so independent that i didn't owe anything to my parents. 

It is so sad right? seeing me fooling around, acting so arrogant, cheeky and not giving a fuck about the world while having a dark inner self that i keep from myself is just sad hahahahaha. As i write everything here, my parents and my family don't really know it, i never tell them how i feel because i have faith that every single thing that happened had its reason. And i know it cannot be compared with another people's struggle, and you cannot judge me over a glimpse of heartbreaking story above, it was just my rant i need to let out. My family might be offended to know this, but they never ask anyway so... i think it'll be okay.

2019. HA HA HA.

last year was such a joke for me. so struggling that i can only laugh it off now. The beginning of the year i spent my time running away from everything, spending days in Singapore, thinking that it might get better. but no. it was only temporary.

In February, i said to my parents that i would resign after idul fitri which was June at that time. I spent couple months thinking it wouldn't be long, i spent my days joyfully like i had nothing to lose, everything was so light as if i was a living feather.

June passed, July passed, August passed, September passed.

i started to hate myself for being a coward and not taking any steps further, i broke my promises to myself. Despite of being guilty, i took it all on the work, my heart was not completely sincere doing all the work, my job was done, but i felt like zombie at that time. From the outside, it was like nothing happened, seriously. Even my work performances were the best, all the outcomes was great, every meeting went well, every list was taken care of.

All i needed was just a trigger to let it all go away.

I forgot what day it was (maybe Wednesday) but i remembered it was October. When.... i can't even explain, what it was. All i know it was jealousy, of what? i didn't know, i felt being cornered. Man, i'm not a second choice nor a goddamn spare tire. Man, you know i did everything well but you took me for granted. Man, you should know i couldn't do all of things only by me, i mean, i could use some help. But man, it was just so difficult to tear down your wall. With only one blow, i was so so so devastated.

Most of people went home, when out of nowhere the tweedledum and tweedledee sat beside me asking what happened, was i doing right. it was totally out of nowhere. they were shocked when suddenly i laughed so hard and tears fell down my face hahahahahahahaha stupid. I couldn't explain to them what happened because i didn't even know it myself.

Then there it went, the push and pull.

I was on the verge of crying when i told the upper man that i was going to back down. It was gratitude, fury, fear, and cold (my nose was blocked, couldn't even breathe and i had really bad cough at that time, plus the air conditioner game was so strong).

There i said it.

I was told to stay for the project, then i was cut short and then asked to stay longer for the project again. Oh dear God, all the dramas, the politics and all the bureucracy. I didn't really care anymore.

Last month was hard, not that hard, but quite hard, emotionally. it was my last month working and people didn't see me the same anymore. They saw me with that sad sad eyes which i couldn't bare to hide my sadness too. It's not that i left them because of them, it's not that i left my responsibility, it's just the timing. Timing is a bitch, you know. It was so hard to leave the good people, the routines, and all the things in between.

It was so sad. I don't know how many 'sad' i should put in this paragraph to convince all of them that i'm sad too, it was so hard i almost reconsidered my decision. I wish they know i will always be there when they need me. It was me being lucky, in the farewell night we stayed up so late that i passed out the moment i touched the bed, if not i might cry a river. I wish i hugged them more tight.

Talking about the notes they wrote for me, OH MY GOD HOW SUCH KIND WORDS EXISTED IN THIS WORLD, i literally cried so hard in the middle of ordering GrabCar (it was flood everywhere so no kind of vehicle accepted the booking). My mother must've raised me well that they could say whole lots of nice things about me. i'm so so so so so so grateful and blessed beyond imagination to have ever known them.

Now, while maintaining my sanity, literally doing nothing everyday while suppressing my anxiety about future, and holding myself back to text them every once in a while, because, first, it was just a week, second, as if i don't have a life while they stress out doing the work, no no no. Please don't be annoyed if i send you guys bunch of messages hehehe i miss you all already.

And the support from them, from my parents, from my big family, from my colleagues, from my friends, from my best friends, from the friend i barely met, from my neighbor, even from stranger, IS NO KIDDING, LITERALLY BEYOND I'M EVER ASKING FOR, so, thank you all, i know you all believe in me so why don't i, do i?

I know someday somehow i will hit the ceiling feeling there's no way out yet depressed, but i will remember the now feeling that i have, the peacefulness that has been long gone, welcome back.

Cheers mate

So one of my work mates found out i have a personal blog, he might be reading right now, hi!

I wish i had done what i did sooner, all of it. I said all the work and responsibility was ovewhelming, but he said it can't be dodged as it will be like this everytime. I've had enough of this kind of excuse, but mine is honestly more than that. It's more than a short term frustration, it's more than that.

That anxiety is real. The realest that i've ever imagined. I used to not like being called, now i'm terrified everytime my phone rings.
I always always check my whatsapp every single time, afraid that i may miss some things. I sleep late and get up early, and don't feel like sleeping at all. I don't feel sleepy, but i don't feel awake either.
The responsibility is big, and the way my upper man gives the tension is no kidding. He pressures me with kindness, it's even more suffocating.

Last week was the most intense week i'd ever had, well, maybe. It wasn't that hard knowing that i could stand still, not that exhausting as i predicted to be, even though we did more than two deadlines a day, everyday.
The most consuming part was that i became very sensitive about everything. Not only the anger part, but also the way everything touched my heart felt so heart breaking. The loneliness, the jealousy, the longing that freakishly deepen. All i wanted to do was to run away from everything here, but it's too scary to get up and moving on.
God, good Lord, help me up.

It is so terrible that i cannot open up to the people who close to me, i keep anything to myself. I push people away. Shamelessly, i have ex best friends, lots of them, because i was so afraid to be honest, i chose to runaway, i chose to be silent and disappear.
This is how monstrous i am. I miss them... So much