2019. HA HA HA.

last year was such a joke for me. so struggling that i can only laugh it off now. The beginning of the year i spent my time running away from everything, spending days in Singapore, thinking that it might get better. but no. it was only temporary.

In February, i said to my parents that i would resign after idul fitri which was June at that time. I spent couple months thinking it wouldn't be long, i spent my days joyfully like i had nothing to lose, everything was so light as if i was a living feather.

June passed, July passed, August passed, September passed.

i started to hate myself for being a coward and not taking any steps further, i broke my promises to myself. Despite of being guilty, i took it all on the work, my heart was not completely sincere doing all the work, my job was done, but i felt like zombie at that time. From the outside, it was like nothing happened, seriously. Even my work performances were the best, all the outcomes was great, every meeting went well, every list was taken care of.

All i needed was just a trigger to let it all go away.

I forgot what day it was (maybe Wednesday) but i remembered it was October. When.... i can't even explain, what it was. All i know it was jealousy, of what? i didn't know, i felt being cornered. Man, i'm not a second choice nor a goddamn spare tire. Man, you know i did everything well but you took me for granted. Man, you should know i couldn't do all of things only by me, i mean, i could use some help. But man, it was just so difficult to tear down your wall. With only one blow, i was so so so devastated.

Most of people went home, when out of nowhere the tweedledum and tweedledee sat beside me asking what happened, was i doing right. it was totally out of nowhere. they were shocked when suddenly i laughed so hard and tears fell down my face hahahahahahahaha stupid. I couldn't explain to them what happened because i didn't even know it myself.

Then there it went, the push and pull.

I was on the verge of crying when i told the upper man that i was going to back down. It was gratitude, fury, fear, and cold (my nose was blocked, couldn't even breathe and i had really bad cough at that time, plus the air conditioner game was so strong).

There i said it.

I was told to stay for the project, then i was cut short and then asked to stay longer for the project again. Oh dear God, all the dramas, the politics and all the bureucracy. I didn't really care anymore.

Last month was hard, not that hard, but quite hard, emotionally. it was my last month working and people didn't see me the same anymore. They saw me with that sad sad eyes which i couldn't bare to hide my sadness too. It's not that i left them because of them, it's not that i left my responsibility, it's just the timing. Timing is a bitch, you know. It was so hard to leave the good people, the routines, and all the things in between.

It was so sad. I don't know how many 'sad' i should put in this paragraph to convince all of them that i'm sad too, it was so hard i almost reconsidered my decision. I wish they know i will always be there when they need me. It was me being lucky, in the farewell night we stayed up so late that i passed out the moment i touched the bed, if not i might cry a river. I wish i hugged them more tight.

Talking about the notes they wrote for me, OH MY GOD HOW SUCH KIND WORDS EXISTED IN THIS WORLD, i literally cried so hard in the middle of ordering GrabCar (it was flood everywhere so no kind of vehicle accepted the booking). My mother must've raised me well that they could say whole lots of nice things about me. i'm so so so so so so grateful and blessed beyond imagination to have ever known them.

Now, while maintaining my sanity, literally doing nothing everyday while suppressing my anxiety about future, and holding myself back to text them every once in a while, because, first, it was just a week, second, as if i don't have a life while they stress out doing the work, no no no. Please don't be annoyed if i send you guys bunch of messages hehehe i miss you all already.

And the support from them, from my parents, from my big family, from my colleagues, from my friends, from my best friends, from the friend i barely met, from my neighbor, even from stranger, IS NO KIDDING, LITERALLY BEYOND I'M EVER ASKING FOR, so, thank you all, i know you all believe in me so why don't i, do i?

I know someday somehow i will hit the ceiling feeling there's no way out yet depressed, but i will remember the now feeling that i have, the peacefulness that has been long gone, welcome back.

Cheers mate