Hi again, seems so productive to publish two entries in a month, doesn't it? hahahahahaha who am i kidding?. You know i should be studying right now because i'm going to have ielts test this saturday, but instead i feel like relieving myself by posting another heartfelt-growing-up-is-so-hard story. Let's pretend this is task 2 of writing test, so here we are...

I was born in such a lucky family, everything is enough. I have an older sister and a younger brother, but I never felt I belong here, either in the neighborhood or the family itself. I don't know maybe because my parents attention never fully on my side, I assumed I didn't even have 30% of it. 

I was such a good girl in the elementary school. I was known to be the bright child who brought all friends together. I didn't really like school back then, I usually faked my sleep, waking me up was struggle for my parents, but they never gave up and dragged me out of the bed because my friends already gathered in front of my house to pick me up. As time gone by, it was fine until I reached grade 4. I knew my senior a year older than me, educationally (technically we're two years apart, because I was too younger for my class, and she's too old for her year). I befriended her, I also persuaded my friends to join us making a gang. Yes, imma gangster. 

I was a child back then, didn't know really what to do. She took advantage of our friendship (which i thought it was sincere) by taking money of us in turn. I had a diary just like any other girl had at that time, I wrote everything in detail. Everything, in detail. One day, my mom confronted me in front of the neighbor to cut ties with the senior and ask why I was so naive and gave her money. That day I knew my mom read my diary, I felt so betrayed, I mean... yes she knew I had problem and she was concerned about it, but hello it must had been a reason I only wrote it on my diary and not telling her. It was my problem and I thought i could resolve it on my own. And of course there was a whole lots of secret i wanted to keep it on my own. I was so upset that i don't have diary anymore.

After elementary, I pursue my junior and high school in the city, I was at school the whole day and always came home when it was already dark, so I didn't have that much interaction with the neighborhood. I was in senior high when my mom told me to greet the neighbor because one of them saw me in the morning and I showed flat face while passing. I mean... so judgy and unnecessary. I do what I want, people are just so narrow-minded. From that time, the feeling of being left out is strengthen, because my mom cared more of what people say than me, and it is not just happened once or twice. 

This whole situation peaked when my sister had an accident and severely injured. The whole family was focusing on her, even until now. It was my critical years because it was the final year of high school, i had problems with 2 of my-no-longer-best friends, i had final in front of my eyes, i had to decide my future study, yet i had to go through it all alone. Maybe they helped but i just don't remember, maybe i am too skeptical to remember all the good time back then.

I was so eager to go somewhere far to pursue my study, if i could, i would go abroad, but I reflected on my self and not really confident hehe so i just chose somewhere far but still within Indonesia. I chose Bandung hehe. But when it was almost the D-day to submit the registration, my parents didn't permit it, they said there weren't any relatives in Bandung and no one would take care of me, and our family still recovered from my sister accident, they needed to take care of her first. That was the very first time they didn't allow me to do things. I cried a river.

Once it resolved, i got accepted to the university which was only an hour drive from my home, i was planned to go home every weekend. I started to look for boarding house, take my toefl test, go through orientation, and finish my study on my own (with the helps of parents financially), i doubt they even know what i did in uni though. But still, graduated, yep.

It wasn't even my graduation yet when i got a job, i arranged every single thing on my own again, i planned to not approving any kind of help or any request to visit from my relatives, even though i could make it happen. I thought i was so independent that i didn't owe anything to my parents. 

It is so sad right? seeing me fooling around, acting so arrogant, cheeky and not giving a fuck about the world while having a dark inner self that i keep from myself is just sad hahahahaha. As i write everything here, my parents and my family don't really know it, i never tell them how i feel because i have faith that every single thing that happened had its reason. And i know it cannot be compared with another people's struggle, and you cannot judge me over a glimpse of heartbreaking story above, it was just my rant i need to let out. My family might be offended to know this, but they never ask anyway so... i think it'll be okay.