How much i have to say i have given up until i really really do give up on you.
I've reached that point where i can't even describe how i'm feeling anymore, there's no word to elaborate.
You mention it,
Sad? Absolutely
Disappointed? I am
Furious? A lil bit
Devastated? Not that much, but yes
Relief? Included
Happy? Small part
Excited? Not at all
Surprised? I should've known
I know time will heal, i know

I think this is how the world is more cruel than ever
When everything is pointing to you
Even when i don't wanna know it all
Person by person keep mentioning trace of you, asking about you and talking good of you
The ghost of you is in every mutual people we know
Fate is cruel
You are cruel
But, i wish your health get better

It was just yesterday, you did
It felt so unreal
It didn't feel good but not as devastating i thought it would be
I guess that's it, my walls was created with reasons
I built it without doubt, but at times it got weaker
They said don't be afraid
I guess i wasn't afraid, i just knew every single of these things surely would happen
So i said it's okay nid while patting my chest and my head over and over again
Why are you so mean such a precious precious thing

But.

One thing you should know, my will to look tough and not let anyone see my weakness is bigger than my sorrow.
So if you could see me now, i would be laughing my ass of and smiling ear to ear

Dear God,
I'm so grateful beyond everything that i still can breathe until this moment, to see my family settled down after the storm. To see my sister got married. To see my little cousin grew up. To see my kindhearted neighbors lived happily.

You've given me best friends i can't live without. Even though we're not like those gorgeous clique who spent most of time together, take photos together or have a vacation together, they just can't unknow me any better. There i said it.

Though it is sometimes ups and downs, still, you give me best partners at work, who always ease me in misunderstanding, distress, and discourage.

Lastly, I wanna thank you for giving me the opportunity to miss, to cherish, to love and to be hurt in the same time. I promise you i won't take anyone for granted.

You're still there every once awhile
In every sad love songs i'm listening to
Every places we've had good times
The pavements after the rain in that october
Or maybe september or months afterwards
You said every common things that i thought it was beautiful
Your family, your arguments, your jokes
Priceless
I hate you for leaving those in my brain and my heart
I cannot dwell with it right now
It was so huge i forgot how it felt, until now
I forgot how it supposed to feel when i miss you
But now i remember and it is terrible

Here i am feeling the luckiest yet the saddest. I feel like i'm leaving home forever, and the question will always coming back again, when will i settle? When will i take care of them? The first day i got home i was startled of how old my mom look, how her hair turn white, her eyes no longer as clear as i could see the last time i saw her. She said she gained weight, but i felt like she's weakened. Oh God.

And all i can think is selfishly how i'm gonna be rich and get married as soon as possible. I wanna stay home, but with that i'll be jobless, it'll give more concern for them, and that's what i don't want to happen. Ah...

Everything is soooo mixed up. My relationship with anyone isn't as well as before. I cut ties with everybody just because i'm scared of getting hurt, i'm tired but wanting to know more, but ended up hurting. The wall i built is already too high i can turned back anymore. How am i supposed to live?

Oh God don't lemme be desperate.

If i was born as a Mean Girls character, i might be a smart version of Gretchen. I'm not as mean and as pretty as Regina George, not as dumb as Chloe. So Gretchen, with thinking, not a blabbermouth, even tho i admit i'm a lil bit of it.

I have closed my eyes prepared to sail into dreams when life reminded me i wasn't good enough.
I was betrayed so many times until i reached that point that i wouldn't care of anyone new anymore.
It turned out, they, who i believed to be my closest, did not have mutual feeling, i was assumed they're at best, they're trustworthy, and i thought i was their best too. Now i know i'm not.
I hate myself to trust people so easily. I hate them the most to be such an awful person.
I don't know whom to trust anymore.

Now that i know i can survive in this cruel city, everything feels dull. Two days straight, i've spent the weekends in my apartment, not even stepping foot in the lobby, just the convenience store in the back of my building to grab some chips.
I know for sure that i'm an introvert to enjoy my 'me time', but this is so different. I even reject my friends offer to watch The Greatest Showman.
I'm not sure how to go on by worrying so much about my future, holding myself as hard as i can to not involved in any affair in the mean time, feeling insecure about works and such.
I don't know what it feels like to be depressed and i know depression is a real issue that i can make fun of and speculate myself to have one. I can't tell.
Is it depressed or is it just insecurity? Is it depressed or is it just lonely? Is it depressed or is it just amount of feeling of missing somebody?

So this is how it feels
I dreamt about it one night, told about it with anyone without mentioning the main role in that situation
I thought you would get bad omen
Or the opposite.
Because i didn't know and didn't wanna know what it meant
The situation itself made me not wanting to be in it
Ah what i am blabbering about
Truth is i don't wanna feel it anymore