It is so terrible that i cannot open up to the people who close to me, i keep anything to myself. I push people away. Shamelessly, i have ex best friends, lots of them, because i was so afraid to be honest, i chose to runaway, i chose to be silent and disappear.
This is how monstrous i am. I miss them... So much

Dear stranger,
Did i tell you my grandpa passed away months ago? Did i tell you the shocked was nothing but it hurt so bad i couldn't tell anyone it was too painful? Did i tell you i shed tons of tears when the plane departed? Did i tell you i cry tons of tears when i pray? Did i tell you it was so hard not having someone you used to live for your life? Did i tell you how everything in the house remind me of him? Did i tell you his room now become a prayer room, which is more and more it reminds me of him? Did i tell you i used to sneak an extra vit c from him? Did i tell you i always remember the smell of him? Did i tell you i took him for granted? Did i tell you how i am so afraid of him being alone in the dark grave? Did i tell you how i was so scared of him being asked by the angel of death?
Dear God help me please, let him be in peace, ease him.

My grief hasn't healed yet when i heard the news of the dad of my best friend passed away this afternoon. It was just two days ago i shook his hands, he asked me how i am going, where i worked and such. And now, it was all of sudden, he's gone. Her whole family is in very very deep sorrow now. He was a good dad, i can tell, i know because my best friend and her siblings were so great socially and educationally. Her family is so strong, even though our family members are in the same amount and same composition, i don't think mine can get through something like this, even though again, i know we will eventually.

I can't believe people are leaving so fast.
I'm getting old and so is everybody.
Don't take anyone for granted, don't.

Now i feel full and content, as grief and blessing poured all over me.
My grandpa was just passed away few days ago. I was already prepared for this for a year, i always looked for the airplane ticket possibility if i was about to go home today, the next day, the next next day and so on. I already knew this day would come eventually, and He chose the wednesday of last week of november. I rushed to get ticket as fast as i can, wrapped my work as cool as i can, asked permission to my colleague calmly while holding back my tears.
I was so turbulent on my way home, too embarassed to cry, too sad to just stand still. So i cried when the airplane lamp was dimmed.
I thought i would cry my heart out when i reached home, but my family was just too tough to compete, they hid their tears away, so i did too. Everything was so unreal. My dad doesn't have any parents anymore, house felt so quite then, my mom will always be home alone.
He's the teacher, the headmaster, the imam, the best grandpa God ever gave. He's the one to make me taste the sweetness of vitamin c and the bitterness of vitamin b. Now, he's gone. The last time i shake his hand was last month when he's in the hospital and i'm about to go back to the city. I live my whole life with him, yet i took him for granted, i'm sorry grandpa, i'm so sorry.
God please, give him Your best place, make him rest in super peace, take his pain away, please.

In my deepest sorrow i decided to go back to city immediately, i'm afraid i can't take it if i stayed longer at home, i'm afraid the sadness will consume my day. Yet the next day i have to say goodbye to two of my colleagues, so instead i grieve too much, i can share my bubbliness and comfort to my friends. And thank God, it was best decision i could ever made.

The farewell of mas miftah and mba laras was going so smooth. I never thought we can finish our work early and went karaoke-ing for three hours. The timing, the song and the moment was just too good to be true, everybody's happy i guess, and they were touched. I could tell because mas miftah was so poetical texting me gratitude.

Now, i'm on the train listening to Lovesong of The cure feeling blessed and grateful that i can have both my family and my friends, and now i'm going to meet my also important person, my best friend since high school, we both had made an effort to make this vacation possible so i won't ruin it with my sob story, i know my grandpa want me to be happy so i will try to do so while keep remembering him

Down Thru Memory Lane

I say i am quite lucky enough to still have so many friends while away from home. Today is a day so well spent by going to an exhibition in national gallery with my best people, thru thick or thin. My relaxing sunday, no traffic, junk food, great arts. There was one exhibition about indonesia and korea relationship in the early independence year. There's formidable film director called Huyung back then, he made controversial film contained the first ever kissing scene titled Antara Bumi dan Langit, but then the film was reproduced and retitled Frieda. The other exhibition was sketches from a lot of talented artists, there were so many styles, so many medium being used, from rookie to professional arts were included.

We finished lunch in the Main Station and then continued to interior exhibition in the atrium of big mall around Senayan. It was luxurious and high-end, it was such a good opportunity to learn about materials and details, but the venue was too small and the crowd enthusiasm was too big. So it was kind of chaos. But still it's worth visiting tho.

It was very rare to reach my apartment when the sun still up. I stopped by the convenience store to buy detergent and some snacks, oh and to withdraw some cashes. I planned to study or do some works after that. It's been months since i opened my notebook, it's because i don't have anything to do with it, it wasn't originally mine, it was my dad's, mine is used by my baby brother. The one i use had poor specification to be used for some architectural software, so that's why it was soool rare to be used. But today i decided to study, opened some material related to ielts when suddenly i found that my photos that are stored in that laptop were quite a lot. I looked through it one by one and the whole memories went back. Uni days were sooooooooo beautiful, i was so passionate in doing everything, and i want to be back being that girl again. It was beautiful, i'm so grateful, my life was beyond perfect. I realized i was lost, all the sadness all the anger all the doubts i'd had for this last two years should've not been happened, now i want to be that person again, passionate on everything, doing everything in full force, always certain in any decision, making a lot of friends with no doubt. Wish me luck to start again ya :)

You know what, all the mirage are just poof, disappear
All the fear you've been imagining all this time
All the anger you've been building up
It feels like none, empty, like you never had it before
It is numb, but relieving, i don't even know how to describe it
Once you know what you want, what you've been through
Once you accept yourself, ain't no one can hurt you anymore even though you know it well this isn't happy ending
But what the hell is happy ending anyway, when you can move on and live your life as if nothing happen
You did good
You did a great job

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

Hey, it was supposed to be like that. Now i'm down to the ground, i hate being controlled, i hate being commanded, i wanna live the way i wanna live, when i was trapped in someone decision which make me to do something i against, i know it'll be total disaster. But i know i'm a hard worker, i know it sounds narcistic, but i think i know myself that well. I know i have problem with my temper, i know i'm going thru pms right now, i know i take everything too deep right now. I need to take a breath, i'm too panic to face anything.
I'm worried about anything, when i will do laundry, when i will clean my bedroom, when will i wash my bike, when will i service my motorbike, when i will do check up to doctor while i'm so afraid it is cancer or not.
I'm worried about anything, not to mention furious of being assume as a stupid little kid who can do nothing. I hate that the most.

How much i have to say i have given up until i really really do give up on you.
I've reached that point where i can't even describe how i'm feeling anymore, there's no word to elaborate.
You mention it,
Sad? Absolutely
Disappointed? I am
Furious? A lil bit
Devastated? Not that much, but yes
Relief? Included
Happy? Small part
Excited? Not at all
Surprised? I should've known
I know time will heal, i know

I think this is how the world is more cruel than ever
When everything is pointing to you
Even when i don't wanna know it all
Person by person keep mentioning trace of you, asking about you and talking good of you
The ghost of you is in every mutual people we know
Fate is cruel
You are cruel
But, i wish your health get better