Down Thru Memory Lane

I say i am quite lucky enough to still have so many friends while away from home. Today is a day so well spent by going to an exhibition in national gallery with my best people, thru thick or thin. My relaxing sunday, no traffic, junk food, great arts. There was one exhibition about indonesia and korea relationship in the early independence year. There's formidable film director called Huyung back then, he made controversial film contained the first ever kissing scene titled Antara Bumi dan Langit, but then the film was reproduced and retitled Frieda. The other exhibition was sketches from a lot of talented artists, there were so many styles, so many medium being used, from rookie to professional arts were included.

We finished lunch in the Main Station and then continued to interior exhibition in the atrium of big mall around Senayan. It was luxurious and high-end, it was such a good opportunity to learn about materials and details, but the venue was too small and the crowd enthusiasm was too big. So it was kind of chaos. But still it's worth visiting tho.

It was very rare to reach my apartment when the sun still up. I stopped by the convenience store to buy detergent and some snacks, oh and to withdraw some cashes. I planned to study or do some works after that. It's been months since i opened my notebook, it's because i don't have anything to do with it, it wasn't originally mine, it was my dad's, mine is used by my baby brother. The one i use had poor specification to be used for some architectural software, so that's why it was soool rare to be used. But today i decided to study, opened some material related to ielts when suddenly i found that my photos that are stored in that laptop were quite a lot. I looked through it one by one and the whole memories went back. Uni days were sooooooooo beautiful, i was so passionate in doing everything, and i want to be back being that girl again. It was beautiful, i'm so grateful, my life was beyond perfect. I realized i was lost, all the sadness all the anger all the doubts i'd had for this last two years should've not been happened, now i want to be that person again, passionate on everything, doing everything in full force, always certain in any decision, making a lot of friends with no doubt. Wish me luck to start again ya :)

You know what, all the mirage are just poof, disappear
All the fear you've been imagining all this time
All the anger you've been building up
It feels like none, empty, like you never had it before
It is numb, but relieving, i don't even know how to describe it
Once you know what you want, what you've been through
Once you accept yourself, ain't no one can hurt you anymore even though you know it well this isn't happy ending
But what the hell is happy ending anyway, when you can move on and live your life as if nothing happen
You did good
You did a great job

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

I guess somebody needs an explanation
I've told you before that i might turn
I might turn into somebody you used to know
I've warned you to warn me if i become somebody cold
But you didn't, you didn't even ask anything and let everything as awkward as it seems
I don't care if you found this out or not
I'll tell the world i did something right by not letting myself hurt anymore
Say i'm a coward by running from anything, say that this is my defense, say that i'm a grudge holder. Because it's true  i am all of those
I know it sounds so stupid, silly, moron or whatever you call it, but
I'm tired of wanting you wanting me
I want to stop before it's too late, so
I want you to either understand my decision to let you go or if i'm mistaken, if i get the wrong idea, please make me right, please tell me that what i said was wrong, that it's not the right thing to shut you up, that you are still capable to turn everything back to what it was, that what you did isn't my delution to my translation, that all of your story was sincere, that all what you shared was for me to be considerations, that all of those moments won't go to waste
So go...
Or stay...

Hey, it was supposed to be like that. Now i'm down to the ground, i hate being controlled, i hate being commanded, i wanna live the way i wanna live, when i was trapped in someone decision which make me to do something i against, i know it'll be total disaster. But i know i'm a hard worker, i know it sounds narcistic, but i think i know myself that well. I know i have problem with my temper, i know i'm going thru pms right now, i know i take everything too deep right now. I need to take a breath, i'm too panic to face anything.
I'm worried about anything, when i will do laundry, when i will clean my bedroom, when will i wash my bike, when will i service my motorbike, when i will do check up to doctor while i'm so afraid it is cancer or not.
I'm worried about anything, not to mention furious of being assume as a stupid little kid who can do nothing. I hate that the most.

How much i have to say i have given up until i really really do give up on you.
I've reached that point where i can't even describe how i'm feeling anymore, there's no word to elaborate.
You mention it,
Sad? Absolutely
Disappointed? I am
Furious? A lil bit
Devastated? Not that much, but yes
Relief? Included
Happy? Small part
Excited? Not at all
Surprised? I should've known
I know time will heal, i know

I think this is how the world is more cruel than ever
When everything is pointing to you
Even when i don't wanna know it all
Person by person keep mentioning trace of you, asking about you and talking good of you
The ghost of you is in every mutual people we know
Fate is cruel
You are cruel
But, i wish your health get better

It was just yesterday, you did
It felt so unreal
It didn't feel good but not as devastating i thought it would be
I guess that's it, my walls was created with reasons
I built it without doubt, but at times it got weaker
They said don't be afraid
I guess i wasn't afraid, i just knew every single of these things surely would happen
So i said it's okay nid while patting my chest and my head over and over again
Why are you so mean such a precious precious thing

But.

One thing you should know, my will to look tough and not let anyone see my weakness is bigger than my sorrow.
So if you could see me now, i would be laughing my ass of and smiling ear to ear

Dear God,
I'm so grateful beyond everything that i still can breathe until this moment, to see my family settled down after the storm. To see my sister got married. To see my little cousin grew up. To see my kindhearted neighbors lived happily.

You've given me best friends i can't live without. Even though we're not like those gorgeous clique who spent most of time together, take photos together or have a vacation together, they just can't unknow me any better. There i said it.

Though it is sometimes ups and downs, still, you give me best partners at work, who always ease me in misunderstanding, distress, and discourage.

Lastly, I wanna thank you for giving me the opportunity to miss, to cherish, to love and to be hurt in the same time. I promise you i won't take anyone for granted.

You're still there every once awhile
In every sad love songs i'm listening to
Every places we've had good times
The pavements after the rain in that october
Or maybe september or months afterwards
You said every common things that i thought it was beautiful
Your family, your arguments, your jokes
Priceless
I hate you for leaving those in my brain and my heart
I cannot dwell with it right now
It was so huge i forgot how it felt, until now
I forgot how it supposed to feel when i miss you
But now i remember and it is terrible