Hi again, seems so productive to publish two entries in a month, doesn't it? hahahahahaha who am i kidding?. You know i should be studying right now because i'm going to have ielts test this saturday, but instead i feel like relieving myself by posting another heartfelt-growing-up-is-so-hard story. Let's pretend this is task 2 of writing test, so here we are...

I was born in such a lucky family, everything is enough. I have an older sister and a younger brother, but I never felt I belong here, either in the neighborhood or the family itself. I don't know maybe because my parents attention never fully on my side, I assumed I didn't even have 30% of it. 

I was such a good girl in the elementary school. I was known to be the bright child who brought all friends together. I didn't really like school back then, I usually faked my sleep, waking me up was struggle for my parents, but they never gave up and dragged me out of the bed because my friends already gathered in front of my house to pick me up. As time gone by, it was fine until I reached grade 4. I knew my senior a year older than me, educationally (technically we're two years apart, because I was too younger for my class, and she's too old for her year). I befriended her, I also persuaded my friends to join us making a gang. Yes, imma gangster. 

I was a child back then, didn't know really what to do. She took advantage of our friendship (which i thought it was sincere) by taking money of us in turn. I had a diary just like any other girl had at that time, I wrote everything in detail. Everything, in detail. One day, my mom confronted me in front of the neighbor to cut ties with the senior and ask why I was so naive and gave her money. That day I knew my mom read my diary, I felt so betrayed, I mean... yes she knew I had problem and she was concerned about it, but hello it must had been a reason I only wrote it on my diary and not telling her. It was my problem and I thought i could resolve it on my own. And of course there was a whole lots of secret i wanted to keep it on my own. I was so upset that i don't have diary anymore.

After elementary, I pursue my junior and high school in the city, I was at school the whole day and always came home when it was already dark, so I didn't have that much interaction with the neighborhood. I was in senior high when my mom told me to greet the neighbor because one of them saw me in the morning and I showed flat face while passing. I mean... so judgy and unnecessary. I do what I want, people are just so narrow-minded. From that time, the feeling of being left out is strengthen, because my mom cared more of what people say than me, and it is not just happened once or twice. 

This whole situation peaked when my sister had an accident and severely injured. The whole family was focusing on her, even until now. It was my critical years because it was the final year of high school, i had problems with 2 of my-no-longer-best friends, i had final in front of my eyes, i had to decide my future study, yet i had to go through it all alone. Maybe they helped but i just don't remember, maybe i am too skeptical to remember all the good time back then.

I was so eager to go somewhere far to pursue my study, if i could, i would go abroad, but I reflected on my self and not really confident hehe so i just chose somewhere far but still within Indonesia. I chose Bandung hehe. But when it was almost the D-day to submit the registration, my parents didn't permit it, they said there weren't any relatives in Bandung and no one would take care of me, and our family still recovered from my sister accident, they needed to take care of her first. That was the very first time they didn't allow me to do things. I cried a river.

Once it resolved, i got accepted to the university which was only an hour drive from my home, i was planned to go home every weekend. I started to look for boarding house, take my toefl test, go through orientation, and finish my study on my own (with the helps of parents financially), i doubt they even know what i did in uni though. But still, graduated, yep.

It wasn't even my graduation yet when i got a job, i arranged every single thing on my own again, i planned to not approving any kind of help or any request to visit from my relatives, even though i could make it happen. I thought i was so independent that i didn't owe anything to my parents. 

It is so sad right? seeing me fooling around, acting so arrogant, cheeky and not giving a fuck about the world while having a dark inner self that i keep from myself is just sad hahahahaha. As i write everything here, my parents and my family don't really know it, i never tell them how i feel because i have faith that every single thing that happened had its reason. And i know it cannot be compared with another people's struggle, and you cannot judge me over a glimpse of heartbreaking story above, it was just my rant i need to let out. My family might be offended to know this, but they never ask anyway so... i think it'll be okay.

2019. HA HA HA.

last year was such a joke for me. so struggling that i can only laugh it off now. The beginning of the year i spent my time running away from everything, spending days in Singapore, thinking that it might get better. but no. it was only temporary.

In February, i said to my parents that i would resign after idul fitri which was June at that time. I spent couple months thinking it wouldn't be long, i spent my days joyfully like i had nothing to lose, everything was so light as if i was a living feather.

June passed, July passed, August passed, September passed.

i started to hate myself for being a coward and not taking any steps further, i broke my promises to myself. Despite of being guilty, i took it all on the work, my heart was not completely sincere doing all the work, my job was done, but i felt like zombie at that time. From the outside, it was like nothing happened, seriously. Even my work performances were the best, all the outcomes was great, every meeting went well, every list was taken care of.

All i needed was just a trigger to let it all go away.

I forgot what day it was (maybe Wednesday) but i remembered it was October. When.... i can't even explain, what it was. All i know it was jealousy, of what? i didn't know, i felt being cornered. Man, i'm not a second choice nor a goddamn spare tire. Man, you know i did everything well but you took me for granted. Man, you should know i couldn't do all of things only by me, i mean, i could use some help. But man, it was just so difficult to tear down your wall. With only one blow, i was so so so devastated.

Most of people went home, when out of nowhere the tweedledum and tweedledee sat beside me asking what happened, was i doing right. it was totally out of nowhere. they were shocked when suddenly i laughed so hard and tears fell down my face hahahahahahahaha stupid. I couldn't explain to them what happened because i didn't even know it myself.

Then there it went, the push and pull.

I was on the verge of crying when i told the upper man that i was going to back down. It was gratitude, fury, fear, and cold (my nose was blocked, couldn't even breathe and i had really bad cough at that time, plus the air conditioner game was so strong).

There i said it.

I was told to stay for the project, then i was cut short and then asked to stay longer for the project again. Oh dear God, all the dramas, the politics and all the bureucracy. I didn't really care anymore.

Last month was hard, not that hard, but quite hard, emotionally. it was my last month working and people didn't see me the same anymore. They saw me with that sad sad eyes which i couldn't bare to hide my sadness too. It's not that i left them because of them, it's not that i left my responsibility, it's just the timing. Timing is a bitch, you know. It was so hard to leave the good people, the routines, and all the things in between.

It was so sad. I don't know how many 'sad' i should put in this paragraph to convince all of them that i'm sad too, it was so hard i almost reconsidered my decision. I wish they know i will always be there when they need me. It was me being lucky, in the farewell night we stayed up so late that i passed out the moment i touched the bed, if not i might cry a river. I wish i hugged them more tight.

Talking about the notes they wrote for me, OH MY GOD HOW SUCH KIND WORDS EXISTED IN THIS WORLD, i literally cried so hard in the middle of ordering GrabCar (it was flood everywhere so no kind of vehicle accepted the booking). My mother must've raised me well that they could say whole lots of nice things about me. i'm so so so so so so grateful and blessed beyond imagination to have ever known them.

Now, while maintaining my sanity, literally doing nothing everyday while suppressing my anxiety about future, and holding myself back to text them every once in a while, because, first, it was just a week, second, as if i don't have a life while they stress out doing the work, no no no. Please don't be annoyed if i send you guys bunch of messages hehehe i miss you all already.

And the support from them, from my parents, from my big family, from my colleagues, from my friends, from my best friends, from the friend i barely met, from my neighbor, even from stranger, IS NO KIDDING, LITERALLY BEYOND I'M EVER ASKING FOR, so, thank you all, i know you all believe in me so why don't i, do i?

I know someday somehow i will hit the ceiling feeling there's no way out yet depressed, but i will remember the now feeling that i have, the peacefulness that has been long gone, welcome back.

Cheers mate

So one of my work mates found out i have a personal blog, he might be reading right now, hi!

I wish i had done what i did sooner, all of it. I said all the work and responsibility was ovewhelming, but he said it can't be dodged as it will be like this everytime. I've had enough of this kind of excuse, but mine is honestly more than that. It's more than a short term frustration, it's more than that.

That anxiety is real. The realest that i've ever imagined. I used to not like being called, now i'm terrified everytime my phone rings.
I always always check my whatsapp every single time, afraid that i may miss some things. I sleep late and get up early, and don't feel like sleeping at all. I don't feel sleepy, but i don't feel awake either.
The responsibility is big, and the way my upper man gives the tension is no kidding. He pressures me with kindness, it's even more suffocating.

Last week was the most intense week i'd ever had, well, maybe. It wasn't that hard knowing that i could stand still, not that exhausting as i predicted to be, even though we did more than two deadlines a day, everyday.
The most consuming part was that i became very sensitive about everything. Not only the anger part, but also the way everything touched my heart felt so heart breaking. The loneliness, the jealousy, the longing that freakishly deepen. All i wanted to do was to run away from everything here, but it's too scary to get up and moving on.
God, good Lord, help me up.

It is so terrible that i cannot open up to the people who close to me, i keep anything to myself. I push people away. Shamelessly, i have ex best friends, lots of them, because i was so afraid to be honest, i chose to runaway, i chose to be silent and disappear.
This is how monstrous i am. I miss them... So much

Dear stranger,
Did i tell you my grandpa passed away months ago? Did i tell you the shocked was nothing but it hurt so bad i couldn't tell anyone it was too painful? Did i tell you i shed tons of tears when the plane departed? Did i tell you i cry tons of tears when i pray? Did i tell you it was so hard not having someone you used to live for your life? Did i tell you how everything in the house remind me of him? Did i tell you his room now become a prayer room, which is more and more it reminds me of him? Did i tell you i used to sneak an extra vit c from him? Did i tell you i always remember the smell of him? Did i tell you i took him for granted? Did i tell you how i am so afraid of him being alone in the dark grave? Did i tell you how i was so scared of him being asked by the angel of death?
Dear God help me please, let him be in peace, ease him.

My grief hasn't healed yet when i heard the news of the dad of my best friend passed away this afternoon. It was just two days ago i shook his hands, he asked me how i am going, where i worked and such. And now, it was all of sudden, he's gone. Her whole family is in very very deep sorrow now. He was a good dad, i can tell, i know because my best friend and her siblings were so great socially and educationally. Her family is so strong, even though our family members are in the same amount and same composition, i don't think mine can get through something like this, even though again, i know we will eventually.

I can't believe people are leaving so fast.
I'm getting old and so is everybody.
Don't take anyone for granted, don't.

Now i feel full and content, as grief and blessing poured all over me.
My grandpa was just passed away few days ago. I was already prepared for this for a year, i always looked for the airplane ticket possibility if i was about to go home today, the next day, the next next day and so on. I already knew this day would come eventually, and He chose the wednesday of last week of november. I rushed to get ticket as fast as i can, wrapped my work as cool as i can, asked permission to my colleague calmly while holding back my tears.
I was so turbulent on my way home, too embarassed to cry, too sad to just stand still. So i cried when the airplane lamp was dimmed.
I thought i would cry my heart out when i reached home, but my family was just too tough to compete, they hid their tears away, so i did too. Everything was so unreal. My dad doesn't have any parents anymore, house felt so quite then, my mom will always be home alone.
He's the teacher, the headmaster, the imam, the best grandpa God ever gave. He's the one to make me taste the sweetness of vitamin c and the bitterness of vitamin b. Now, he's gone. The last time i shake his hand was last month when he's in the hospital and i'm about to go back to the city. I live my whole life with him, yet i took him for granted, i'm sorry grandpa, i'm so sorry.
God please, give him Your best place, make him rest in super peace, take his pain away, please.

In my deepest sorrow i decided to go back to city immediately, i'm afraid i can't take it if i stayed longer at home, i'm afraid the sadness will consume my day. Yet the next day i have to say goodbye to two of my colleagues, so instead i grieve too much, i can share my bubbliness and comfort to my friends. And thank God, it was best decision i could ever made.

The farewell of mas miftah and mba laras was going so smooth. I never thought we can finish our work early and went karaoke-ing for three hours. The timing, the song and the moment was just too good to be true, everybody's happy i guess, and they were touched. I could tell because mas miftah was so poetical texting me gratitude.

Now, i'm on the train listening to Lovesong of The cure feeling blessed and grateful that i can have both my family and my friends, and now i'm going to meet my also important person, my best friend since high school, we both had made an effort to make this vacation possible so i won't ruin it with my sob story, i know my grandpa want me to be happy so i will try to do so while keep remembering him

Down Thru Memory Lane

I say i am quite lucky enough to still have so many friends while away from home. Today is a day so well spent by going to an exhibition in national gallery with my best people, thru thick or thin. My relaxing sunday, no traffic, junk food, great arts. There was one exhibition about indonesia and korea relationship in the early independence year. There's formidable film director called Huyung back then, he made controversial film contained the first ever kissing scene titled Antara Bumi dan Langit, but then the film was reproduced and retitled Frieda. The other exhibition was sketches from a lot of talented artists, there were so many styles, so many medium being used, from rookie to professional arts were included.

We finished lunch in the Main Station and then continued to interior exhibition in the atrium of big mall around Senayan. It was luxurious and high-end, it was such a good opportunity to learn about materials and details, but the venue was too small and the crowd enthusiasm was too big. So it was kind of chaos. But still it's worth visiting tho.

It was very rare to reach my apartment when the sun still up. I stopped by the convenience store to buy detergent and some snacks, oh and to withdraw some cashes. I planned to study or do some works after that. It's been months since i opened my notebook, it's because i don't have anything to do with it, it wasn't originally mine, it was my dad's, mine is used by my baby brother. The one i use had poor specification to be used for some architectural software, so that's why it was soool rare to be used. But today i decided to study, opened some material related to ielts when suddenly i found that my photos that are stored in that laptop were quite a lot. I looked through it one by one and the whole memories went back. Uni days were sooooooooo beautiful, i was so passionate in doing everything, and i want to be back being that girl again. It was beautiful, i'm so grateful, my life was beyond perfect. I realized i was lost, all the sadness all the anger all the doubts i'd had for this last two years should've not been happened, now i want to be that person again, passionate on everything, doing everything in full force, always certain in any decision, making a lot of friends with no doubt. Wish me luck to start again ya :)

You know what, all the mirage are just poof, disappear
All the fear you've been imagining all this time
All the anger you've been building up
It feels like none, empty, like you never had it before
It is numb, but relieving, i don't even know how to describe it
Once you know what you want, what you've been through
Once you accept yourself, ain't no one can hurt you anymore even though you know it well this isn't happy ending
But what the hell is happy ending anyway, when you can move on and live your life as if nothing happen
You did good
You did a great job