Summary

It was almost four years ago. Maybe we knew each other, maybe we introduced ourselves, i didn't recall exactly how it happened. But we met.
I was no one, and still am, busy with college stuff, assignment, doing life worth living.
I only remembered pieces by pieces how my fate was tangled up with yours. We started everything differently, you and your world, and I was with mine.

I was in the second year when I formally knew you, and by formally i meant it was really in a formal occasion to discuss about serious project. It was basically a friend of my friend who introduce you. The meeting went well, but i was so immature back then, even i'm ashamed to talk about it now, maybe i felt like i was way more senior then i could boss around. I hope your forget that one. But that was that. We kept being colleague since then, but we just knew each other, no chatting, no talking, no meeting if there's no business related.

My friend who knew and work with you way earlier than me kept talking good about you, i was like 'eh yeah maybe he's good, but whatev'. Then i had more and more project to work with you, you were so helpful until i reached the point of wanting you, wanting you to help me over and over again, and you never refused, or i erased the memory of you refusing. I was blinded. I even nominated you to be a part of my project.

It was when one of our team mates got sick and you - or me, couldn't recall - decided to visit. It was when we had site visit and you offered me a ride. It was you helped me distribute results and went around the city. It was you accompanied me welcoming colleague guests. It was you kept me updated while i was away.

Time went by, we got closer, but who knew our fates were not in it at that time. I was with someone else when you did also, the same time. I was heartbroken when you told me everything. I felt like i cheated and got cheat on the same time. Everything was so complicated at that time, i didn't want you to be with someone else while i was with someone else, and yet i didn't want to be someone else's relationship breaker. So i held myself back.

I was jealous as hell to see you with someone else, so i planted a suggestion to myself pretending to be happy and kept my own relationship existed, even though it's not healthy, even though my heart's not in it. Until i reached the climax, it was when i was on my way to finish my thesis, when i was on maximum stress, when i couldn't fake it anymore and i couldn't bear to hurt him even more. So i broke up with him, i gave him any excuses i could catch on my mind, by not mentioning you. I broke down and cried as i lost someone to count on, but the next morning when i got up, it was like a huge rock in my chest was lifted, no more lying, no more faking, no more worries.

I never told you that story, i never told you i was in relationship to keep myself - look like i was - available. A week after that, you told me you broke up with her, you told me with good laughs as if it's not something bad, you said it was relief, you said you're finally free. I was so happy for you back then, honest. So we started to talk and meet frequently, in special occasions, in yours and my birthday.

Just - maybe - a month later after you broke up, you said you get back together because you said she said she wanted to change and you couldn't bear to see her cry. Then i crumbled down inside, but thank God that time i was in a hectic days to finish my thesis so i got lots of distraction not to think about some lame love story. I let you to have your own world that time while i backed down, turned myself to worry about after college life.

I graduated and got a job in the city, it was best when i could get away from you by distance - i meant we still kept in touch  -. But i made a fundamental mistake by visiting you the first time i went home after months working. We talked about everything for hours until it's time for me to catch the train. It was repeated every single time i went back home. It became a habit for us, it was fun, but because of the fun i couldn't stop it.

You said you broke up again with her and this was for good. You said you wouldn't get back with her again, not in the mean time, you need to finish school. Not in the mean time, but it would be possible another time, i assumed. I knew it.

I managed to not get to attached with you, not to share with you so frequently. Until you graduated and was accepted to work in the city, only 3 miles away from where i lived. Fuck fate, but this was gone to far.

It was exhausting, i couldn't even decided to build my wall again or not because i saw possibility, but this wasn't real.

Now, you go with your world and i go with mine. Let the confusion be mine only, let the fear of losing you by not confessing to you be mine only, and let the fate decide how hard it tries to tangle us yet separate us.

The clock striked almost 1 am when we're touchdown McDonald. It was crowded as it was friday night, people we're hanging out.
It was long nice conversation with so many various topics, we were so excited until we're lost of time.

I don't wanna be like that. I don't wanna be that spoiled girl who suddenly jump out of nowhere and steal the show. I don't wanna be that loud annoying girl. I loathe it

There's no exact conversation of us states that we're going to wait each other.
I don't mean to brag, but i can feel you do the same way by telling me you're not going anywhere, by telling me you'll stay longer and by telling me that it's unusual that i don't go back this month.
I pull my self away, like i usually did, for perhaps hundreds times, just to make sure that i don't expect too much, that i ain't the one who get her hopes high then fall, that i don't wanna ruin everything if the feeling grows. So i back down for a while.
But since i don't wanna ruin what we've had, i say hi to you.
No.
I'm sorry, it's not because i don't wanna ruin our friendship.
It's merely because i miss you damn much, but don't know what to say.

It was sunday. The disappointment came back.
I was sitting in the back of the class, behind you. While humming One and Only by Adele, you knew i like to sing, even tho you knew i didn't have the talent, but you knew i sang what i really wanna sing.
It was only the very first verse, when you turned around and asked what that was for. I said what. Then you said the song, for whom?. I said no one particular, i just sang. Then you turned your back, facing front, pretended to be satisfied with my answer. You knew i lied.
I don't know why i still remember that scene clearly from 6 years ago or maybe more, i'm not even sure. But back then, i was so proud of you, i was so fond of you. But you left me disappointed big time.

This what i hate when i had pms, the sadness the anger overflowed. So instead of defend it, i let it flooded. Goooo, be saaaad, there there there bunches of sad song for companies

You in Every Pauses

I was standing by the sliding door of my apartment, facing the riverfront below me, when i saw a group of smoke clouding up the greeneries across the highway. I thought it was an incidental, i shrugged, brushed my hair with both of my hands.
And then i thought about you.
I turned 30 degree to my right, the city lights began to blink. I realized the moon was so beautiful, round and orange with a bit of whiten spots all over it. It was perfect scenery. I tried to capture it, but a shitty smartphone's camera couldn't catch what i saw. Too bad.
And then i thought about you.
How i wanna give you a thing that i saw, a thing that i eat, a thing that excite me everyday.
I erased my daydreaming, moved further from the sliding door, turned back, washed my hand, put down my mobile phone. Then i found myself staring by the sliding door again, with the same first position, facing the highway.
The smoke was larger and darker, i could see flame swallowed up the trees, i could do nothing but think "somebody must have been calling firefighter". I watched the smoke slowly faded in the sky, it flowed in to my direction, as if it knocked my door in front of me.
And then i thought about you.
I sighed. I gave up that scene. It was my bed agreed to catch me, accompanied me further into a short nap. That evening.
And then i dreamed about you.

Spectator

Have you ever seen a girl, wealthy one, who can get anything she wants but take it for granted?
Have you ever been jealous, because she's pretty, she has everything every girl needs except being grateful of herself?
But that girl was so vulnerable, that girl was so weak, that girl was so insecure
And that girl, luckily, falling in love with a guy. A really great guy.

That guy, whom i considered unfortunate to meet the girl, has everything in his mind, feels enough by what he has, and mature too fast for his age.
Such a good listener to bare with the girl's whole lots of crap whining.
He was just unlucky, sometimes.
He just lost the one he loves the most. The one who raised her well, the one who always be missed, forever.

They just didn't work out.
They should've figured it out, from the beginning.
They should've known.
They both just felt a great lost.
Just so i watch, as a spectator.

2017 : Life Goes Well

The past five years after everything, our life went on.
My sister graduated and not long after that she got a scholarship from WHO and got to continue her study in my university.
My mom accompanied her everyday and sometimes dropped by my boarding house to take a nap, had a lunch and so on. And yes, she's still as strong as ever.
My dad still working in pemda and looking for another somethin somethin to fill our increasing demand.
My brother got into college through ups and downs, he couldn't get in to the state university, i knew it was hard, the competition, the exam itself and such. But luckily now, he's studying in islamic university, i bet he's happy, my parents are also permitting even though the tuition is soooooooo much more expensive than mine and my sister. But whatever, money can be earned, God already arranged it.
And I. I... Graduated, and soon after that precisely a week after graduation i got a job, i can't thank enough for this, and now here i am in the capital city of indonesia whose street so smelly and full of traffic.

Everything goes very well, now, that we are grateful for every single thing we have, every moments we make, even my sister got herself a boyfriend who is ready to propose.

You see, life can be as hard as it can be, but as long as we're patient, grateful, and not giving up, good thing takes time. So be grateful, be grateful and be grateful, always remember that you have more than those who sleep in the street.

2012 : from That Moment on I'm being Independent

2012
After my sister's surgery, the life of my family went on. But it was never be the same again.
My sister kept getting physiological treatment, my mom had never been absent to carry her every where. My dad even bought a new ride for my mom, to make her move mobile. Every single of my big family members, my grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, every one had attention on my sister. Everything she needed everything she wanted, my family granted it.
But the more day passed, i guessed the more lonely she got, she wasn't prepared to be like this. She was an active college student, she was a member of social, nature and environment kind of club, she moved around a lot, and then she couldn't move her legs like she used to be, it must had been a whole mountain of shock, her whole life literally changed.
She threw a lot of tantrums everyday, to my mom specifically. She threw things, said things. I hated her words. I hated how she treated my lil brother. I hated how she treated my mom. I hated how my dad had to argue with her as soon as he arrived from work. I couldn't imagine how my mom endured it.
As i told before, the whole universe was focusing on her, while i limped and was confused on deciding my future. It was my last year if high school and i was planning to go to uni, and was planning to go as far as i could to escape from home. Because it was like madness everyday, i couldn't stand any screaming, things braking, loud crying. I was a coward to face that my family looked like a broken family, but i didn't realize that my family was just building itself stronger.
The attempt to escape was failed because my parents didn't allow me to go to Bandung for pursuing psychology. They said the family wasn't in a good condition, they couldn't sent me off because they couldn't leave my sister, and yet there's no relatives to guide me there. Tears running down, when all my planning wasn't approved, and it was the very first time they prohibited me to do something. I was so disappointed.
They suggested me to have a nearby school so they could watch over me. Then i chose to study architecture (and i'm dwelling in it until now). I prepared anything by myself, i even looked for boarding house by myself. I didn't how how such a little girl could do all that things without even consulting adults. From the moment on i'm being independent. Deciding everything on my own, going anywhere (sometimes) without my parents permission.

I had my escape days when i went to college, but i had to go home on weekend, so there it went the nightmare. I felt like everytime i went home i made it worse, so sometimes i decided to go back to boarding house sooner.
At that time my sister still received physiological therapy, she's still cranky, and it was passed 6 months.