2012 : from That Moment on I'm being Independent

2012
After my sister's surgery, the life of my family went on. But it was never be the same again.
My sister kept getting physiological treatment, my mom had never been absent to carry her every where. My dad even bought a new ride for my mom, to make her move mobile. Every single of my big family members, my grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, every one had attention on my sister. Everything she needed everything she wanted, my family granted it.
But the more day passed, i guessed the more lonely she got, she wasn't prepared to be like this. She was an active college student, she was a member of social, nature and environment kind of club, she moved around a lot, and then she couldn't move her legs like she used to be, it must had been a whole mountain of shock, her whole life literally changed.
She threw a lot of tantrums everyday, to my mom specifically. She threw things, said things. I hated her words. I hated how she treated my lil brother. I hated how she treated my mom. I hated how my dad had to argue with her as soon as he arrived from work. I couldn't imagine how my mom endured it.
As i told before, the whole universe was focusing on her, while i limped and was confused on deciding my future. It was my last year if high school and i was planning to go to uni, and was planning to go as far as i could to escape from home. Because it was like madness everyday, i couldn't stand any screaming, things braking, loud crying. I was a coward to face that my family looked like a broken family, but i didn't realize that my family was just building itself stronger.
The attempt to escape was failed because my parents didn't allow me to go to Bandung for pursuing psychology. They said the family wasn't in a good condition, they couldn't sent me off because they couldn't leave my sister, and yet there's no relatives to guide me there. Tears running down, when all my planning wasn't approved, and it was the very first time they prohibited me to do something. I was so disappointed.
They suggested me to have a nearby school so they could watch over me. Then i chose to study architecture (and i'm dwelling in it until now). I prepared anything by myself, i even looked for boarding house by myself. I didn't how how such a little girl could do all that things without even consulting adults. From the moment on i'm being independent. Deciding everything on my own, going anywhere (sometimes) without my parents permission.

I had my escape days when i went to college, but i had to go home on weekend, so there it went the nightmare. I felt like everytime i went home i made it worse, so sometimes i decided to go back to boarding house sooner.
At that time my sister still received physiological therapy, she's still cranky, and it was passed 6 months.

2011 : The Saddest Time

I was planning to dedicate my weekend to write about what's been going on with my family for the past 5 years now. It took me the whole day and full album of Stars and Rabbit to reach the willing to share, because this is the only story of my life which i don't want people to know, i don't want people look at me with pity.
Why now? Because we're steady right now, we're happy, so this writing isn't meant to look for any attention or sympathy, i just want you to know we survived it all, and if you have a broken day, remember us who can make it through the storm.
I'm going to warn you that i have a short term memory so there will be so many 'i forget' and 'i guess'

2011
It was a fine morning, i woke up, prepared everything to go to school (i was in high school). I had a breakfast with full members of my family. The day was usual, ordinary. I couldn't recall what day that was, i guessed it was saturday. I used to hang out after school, but that day i went straight home. I came home from school around 2pm.
It was such a quiet afternoon at home, i guessed no one home. I entered the house from the garage like i used to do, through the kitchen, and then i felt something odd. The sink was full, there were unfinished dishes, but mom wasn't there, mom never left dishes unfinished. Never.
I went to my room, dropped my bag, got change, opened my laptop and started play some music, i hated silence.
I heard my aunt calling my name, she searched every room and found me sitting there in my room. Her gaze made me uneasy, that second i realised there's something wrong.
She said my mom was in the hospital. No, it's not her that'd been hospitalized. It was my sister. She said she got an accident this morning.
The first thought was why no one told me earlier. And then it didn't matter. I jumped off my bed, changed my clothes again and hurried to the hospital.
I forgot what i felt what i saw what i said the first time i got there. All i knew was i didn't think it was a minor accident like i used to have. I tell you what i remember, my sister condition was horrible.
That morning around 9am, she rode her motorcycle to go to campus, next town. She had a scholarship business to be done at that time. It was not to long after she went, my mom got a call from someone, i didn't know the details. My sister crashed into a box car which made turn with no signal. It was not only my sister, there was another motorcycle which crashed, luckily their condition wasn't as bad as my sister. My sister was taken to a small hospital nearby by the helpers. But my mom demanded her to be transferred to another hospital, where i was standing holding my tears looking at my most precious people sitting hopelessly in front of Intensive Care Unit room.
They said there's something wrong with my sister's spinal chord and it affected her nervous system, which i didn't understand at that time. She couldn't move her legs and arms. The doctor said it could be done with surgery, but most people couldn't get through the surgery well. It was terrifying, very very terrifying. After few days in the ICU, my sister was moved to another hospital to have surgery.
It was the hardest time for us, it was ramadhan, we're fasting, my mom and my dad was in the hospital 24/7 to take care of my sister, and i was home and had to take care of my lil brother and grandpa, kept going to school, went to hospital after school, went home prepared meals for grandpa and brother, and it went on. I was lonely, but i couldn't whine.

It was the day of my sister surgery, i went straight to hospital after school. There were the whole family in the icu waiting room already. I joined them, had a bit lunch, small talk. Some of friends came too, but i had to admit, i hated them for being there, i hated them to see my life was so down at that time.
The surgery room's door was opened, we startled, stood up and walked to it. My sister was rolled out of the surgery room. She was awake, i looked at her watery eyes until it's flooded and run through her pillow. It was horrible, i was shaking, not knowing what to do, what to say, what to think.
She was taken to icu room, my parents followed her in. The doctor said the surgery went well and he predicted she could walk again after approx 6 months of exercise.

I hated him saying that.

You know, we're muslim, we celebrated idul fitri after ramadhan. It was the saddest idul fitri ever. I wasn't literally alone because there were grandma, grandpa and my brother, but having myself in the front row with only my grandma, praying together, i couldn't held my tears, it kept coming down as i heard the imam citing every single ayat. After doing shalat idul fitri, i went to hospital with my brother, i didn't care about tradition and celebration at home anymore. May i say it once again? It was the saddest time. I could still recall how i pretended to be asleep when i heard my mom crying in the middle of the night. I could still recall the fake smile on my dad's face trying to convince me that everything's gonna be okay. I knew it won't.
I was just a kid who didn't know what to do at that time.

To Whom It May Concern

https://open.spotify.com/track/50Yl8KCgHmuLnTOt7mmGJw

Forgot the last time listening to this song which i started to listen since high school

The Day Goes By

You know it sounds stupid to be carried by a sad song. But sometimes it is necessary to put up some dramas of your life. I am beyond grateful to have everything in my life. Job, friends, family.
Working is fun with great partners, i get to laugh a lot everyday, i'm fed well, even i gain weight.
Family is good, not much actually, they are always fine, not giving me much worries.
Friends... Get new ones at work, but since everybody is so busy doing their own, some distances are made, even we can't meet once in a week anymore. I think it's time to move on to a new phase of life. I know everything won't be the same, i know it'll be temporary just like the other phases, but this will be the shortest onen, 2 years max and hopefully i'll jump to another phase.
I will tell you how much i miss my day back in the town. Everyday... Waking up in that house, get up, dress up, spend the whole day in campus. I miss how i walk past at you and we both laugh for no reason, i miss how we discuss everything, i miss how we end up waiting for the same meeting, i miss being called 'mbak nida''. As simple as that.

You Should've Known Better

You know, you should've known better.
Brokenhearted is simply not trusting anymore.
Is simply knowing someone else be treated the same as you
Is simply knowing you're not special anymore
Is simply feeling that every single of his jokes are not funny anymore
Is simply feeling that every encouragement from him is meaningless
That simple thing hit you right on the spot and in the mean time you realize you're not wanting him anymore
You're not expecting his chat anymore
And the best part is you're not breaking down for him anymore

RAWawawaw

It was almost midnight when i woke up from my evening nap. I wondered why i was awaken all of sudden. As a usual ritual i checked on my phone to read some messages and notifications. There was my college senior asking my recent phone number, he said his office wanted to contact me. Frankly, i forgot that i ever submitted my portfolio to this office, i even already given up that there would be any responses from my every submissions because apparently i just knew that my phone number that was written in my portfolio was inactive.
As i was half asleep, i texted my new number. I never ever expected that 5 minutes later... The office called. They wanted me to have an interview by skype tomorrow, i was shocked and answered unpreparedly by 'yes, tomorrow's good'.
The next day i ran to campus looking for my friend telling them how i was so flustered and unprepared to do the interview because... It was the very first job interview in my life. I did my interview in internet cafe just to make sure the internet connection was okay. But unfortunately the an hour interview was paused by losing connection, i also answered every single question abruptly because once again... I was unprepared. And they said they would inform me at least a week whether i was accepted or not.
It was exactly a week after, the boss personally called me saying that i was accepted and i should be able to start working as soon as possible.
At first i thought it was too soon, i mean, i just had my graduation a week ago, i hadn't had any holiday as i was dreaming all those college years. But there's a big but, this was a really great opportunity to join such an incredible architect firm. So i took the chance.
It was hard to leave such an amazing memorable places which had been a witness of my journeys, but by jumping out of my comfort zone i thought it would be worth it.

So here i am, working in the best office in the world, with such wonderful wonderful people.

RAW Architecture!

Hard

After having a month jobless, now i realize how life can be so hard. My dad is a civil servant whose salary not much, he has to pay for my tution, my life accomodation, and i'm glad i will be graduating soon. But... My brother just graduated high school, he has to get in to university, he failed more than 5 tests in various ways, he got in to private university which has high tuition payment, it's five times mine. I don't know how my parents will handle it. Yet, they still have to take care of my sister, who hasn't been able to take care of herself.
I don't know maybe this is my bad day. My brother went to the bank this morning to pay his tuition, i was asked to accompany him, but i acted like i didn't care, i wanted him to be brave to do anything by himself, to be independent, because i was too. My sister had a fight with my mother over a can of wafer, what the hell. And my dad who used to be a balancing beam had to go on business trip. And i'm useless.
I need a high salary job, maybe overseas, sure it'll be scary out there, but i have to be strong no matter what happen. There, i can practice my english too, so i don't have to pay extra for ielts course, i have a living course there. Yet, if i paid in dollar, it'll be multiplied in rupiahs.
I wanna help my dad so bad. I can take my master studies later, even though i'm given scholarship, i just wanna help my dad first, now.

12:08 AM

i mean... What was that?
It's been like a cycle for me, hot and cold every period of time.
Once i said i'd had enough, but the world conspired to drag me from the start again, and then it's being like this and that, until i came to the 'had enough' feeling again. I wonder why it is always coming back to it. I guess what you said sincere wasn't sincere enough either to make it crystal white clear out of the situation or completely close the door. How many times do i have to tell myself to call it quit?

Mass Group Iftar

since Ramadhan began, i'd been in some gatherings doing iftar with my friends. You can google 'ramadhan' and 'iftar' if you wanna know the exact meaning. In Indonesia, doing iftar together with your big family or your old friends, beside being a part of tradition, it is also being an event to meet up and keep in touch with each other. it is also being a home coming event for students who study outside the city. The first photo is my junior high school friends which i haven't met for almost 4 years. once everyone gathers up, we recall every mutual memorable things that happened back then. The second photo is me and the gang, the gang was the union of students body chairman batch 2012, which consists of 11 members and i'm the only girl in it, so i lead the gang by default. The third photo is my friends who did community service with me, how grateful we are can gather in a bright light mall and eat whatever we want because last year we ate in a pitch dark village which has no electricity system whatsoever. The fourth picture is my classmate, sadly that would be our last iftar together, some of us will be graduated in august, and they will walk in different path.

Love Medley

i've been listening to this song for months, every single time i hit youtube and begin to be confused what to watch, i end up watching this video. Voctave is in the perfectly perfect harmony and the angelical voice Kirstie wrap it up as the lead. Kirstie and Jeremy are currently engaged, what's sweeter than that? two beautiful beautiful people found their love in their voices, aaaw.
and that's the intro of what i'll be writing about.
so recently, i found out that my dearest friend, Mr. B is engaged. Of course the whole world must've been shocked, he's only my age (maybe older one or two years - i'm 21), he hasn't had his graduation yet, i mean, it's such a young age, i know it doesn't mean they will get married soon, but... yeah you know.
i discussed it with Mr. H, he's such a poetical person that sometimes i don't get him. He was once having his heart broken by a girl, he mourned for a long time and expressed every single feeling in writing, and now he's being such an expert in love. He told me how he wanted to bring his parents to a girl house, but they refused, because they thought it was too soon and they thought he hadn't been ready yet, well he hasn't been graduated, he even hasn't finished his thesis, i mean... c'mon -___-. He asked me to read his writing on a post, it says :

Kalau ada yang bilang bahwa puncak dari cinta adalah doa, maka aku rasa batas akhir dari cinta adalah kerelaan. Karena aku tidak pernah sepakat bahwa cinta itu tidak harus memiliki.

Bagi kalian yang telah merelakan ketidakbersamaan, maka aku rasa kalian pun sedang meleburkan rasa yang kalian sebut itu cinta. Ketika fase rela telah kalian capai, maka cinta sudah usai. Memupuk keikhlasan sedikit demi sedikit meski terkadang sakitnya masih terus berbisik-bisik.

that's the first paragraph of his writing which i can understand, the rest is... i'm not so sure, so yes... i agree with him on those points. Once you really love someone, you bring him into your prayers, you wish for his happiness, you wish for his safety, you wish for his health, you wish everything good happen to him, and apparently you wish to be with him for the rest of your life. But... when the peek of your prayers isn't granted, you cannot be with him, or he has someone else, or worst, you both adore each other but you praise different God. Trust me, in Indonesia, religion is the most discussed topic, because the first fundamental of this country cites oneness of God. Let's put aside religion thing.
Then i ask Mr. H, what if you say you've let someone go but you still want to have a role as the root support for him/her in his/her life even though he/she already has someone special in his/her life? is it really sincere letting go?
He said, do you still have a desire to have him?
I replied, well if i have the chance then why not, if it's not, it will be like whatever, what else i can do, surrender
He said, it means you are not ready to let it go, you still expect him to be yours, don't you?
I replied, a little...
He ended, well, you still have that feeling left.
so i conclude that being in love in real life isn't as easy as it sounds on love songs, and yet, it cannot easily being arranged beautifully to be a medley. Being in love in real life is tragedy, as if you can't only sing one romantic ballad song, it also includes electronic, rock, country, and even traditional songs, as if you can't imagine it like driving in highway, it's way more hilly, ups and downs, smooth and rocky. so, be careful ;)