almost forgot about this for a year. i'm back babyyy

Self Note

don't put everything on your own shoulder nid, you have everybody to help
don't make any excuse to have fun anymore, i know it's still your holiday, but everybody has already taken a step forward, and you must too.
you know the pressure is made by yourself. so start from something small, kid. all you need to do is start, like your friend said.

wiswakharmanexpo 2014 teaser#1

so yesterday there's a university fair in my high school, i guessed my attendance didn't really important, but i came anyway. i usually got so excited for a moment like this, then i used to invite or insist the whole friends - my classmates - to come. but this time, i felt like i didn't want to.
so... yeah, i met my high school friends yesterday, mostly not my classmates. it's been more than a year since we saw each others in our uniform. i guess i'll be lucky to call them my friends.
literally i didn't really miss him, i barely hung out with them also, but i just missed them right away when i saw them. they're not my closest friends, but i really respect them too much,
the way they respected my decision when last year i rejected their offers to help them in our final assignments, and they didn't talk bad about me or isolate me then, they were just 'yeah, if that's so, then what we can do, it's your own choice'.
the way they treat me like their young sister, yeah apparently i'm younger and smaller or.. okay shorter. they're so nice to me even though i see them mostly like a bad boy - mostly male -, they do things i don't, like smoking, harsh talking and such.
the way they see that i'm not changing a bit, even though it's just kinda like formality they have to say when meeting people, but i didn't mind. i didn't mind tossing hands with them, i didn't mind when they squeezed my head when they found me didn't get any taller.
oh also, my friends who never talked to me during high school years, even though he did attend same course and same junior high with me, finally talked to me even made fun of me like we're a long lost siblings -__-
and there's one who just confessed that he stalked me, especially my blog, hi Luri!
that's the first time after graduation one and a half year ago, i came to school again without any burden, without any distraction, without my classmates wandering around - because yeah so much going on and it's pretty tense there -
feel blessed? hell yeah :)

credit : http://www.djangkarubumi.com/2013/11/sma-negeri-1-klaten.html

hi sunset.
i miss you goddamn much.
i have a lot to tell you.
you've been away for a while.
you've been too kind to let your whole way being blocked by the clouds.
you've been too kind.... too kind.

it's been weeks since everything's so messed up  in my country, Indonesia. floods are everywhere, Sinabung (volcano) erupts, flash floods in Manado. God gives too much, for us who act too much either. those habits which grow all over the place in Indonesia, throwing trash everywhere, building towers without thinking, crossing politics' ethics, corrupting, and such, day by day those things become common things.

but, sunset, when all those disasters are going on out there and i sit here can do nothing, i have my own disaster. do you remember the last post that has been written? it was long ago, right? i can tell you now that i have been freed from all those hardness of 3rd semester, i had the lowest time of my life in the middle of it. and it was the turning point in my college life.

i used to be that one who cheered people up, now i'm not. i used to be that one who knew everything from everybody, now i'm not. i used to be that one in the front seat of the class, now i'm not. i used to be that one who felt everything was in my hand, now i'm not. i used to trust everyone with my secret, now i don't. i used to be a chatterbox, now.. i don't think so.

i'm in a crisis of trust. i keep loosing people that i don't know what to do, how to act and where i belong. i shut people out, because i think it's easier than telling what's inside my head. i keep my life for myself, and not letting anybody in. i ain't gonna curse anybody about what she did that make me like this, i'm just gonna channel myself as that Frozen's queen who shut the world out.

"conceal, don't feel, don't let them know"

The Least December

 The making of shelter project. Subj: Myself, Puja. Taken by: Dika. Location: Architectural Engineering Department of Gadjah Mada University

 

Teknik Mengajar Kel. 16. Subj: Myself, Maya, Lala, Buni, Gisty, Adit and The Kids. Taken by: - forgot the name -. Location: Ngampon, Bantul, Jogjakarta

 The making of former Hall of Gadjah Mada University model, designed by Hadinegoro - reconstruction-. Subj: Me, Fina, Ipul, Vice, Endru, Ghina, Adhit, Rida, Keke, Audi, Thoma, Puja. Taken by: Wida. Location: Architectural Engineering Department of Gadjah Mada University

Sekaten : Short runaway, High school friends. Subj: Myself, Pram, Andit, Atika, Ade, Nana, Voila. Taken by: Myself. Location: Alun alun Lor, Jogjakarta

Structure and Construction 3: final assignment, 21 pages of calqueer. Subj: itself. Taken by: Myself. Location: Asrama Putri Dewi Sri, Pogung Kidul, Jogjakarta

1/1/14

some people said it's necessary, some people said it isn't, some people don't give a damn.
yes, i don't care how the fireworks explode beautifully, how people feel the joy of new year's eve, how the traffic jam kills people.
i'm home, it's the third times i go home in 2 weeks, it's not something i do normally. i just wanna go home, even though home isn't the best heavenly place on earth, but i need somewhere to runaway from that crowded city, and all the people, and all stuffs that hold me there, and all the past that left quite deep scar. i just need to hide, to not interact with people, to hibernate my system.
talking about new year, people flood timeline with the whole greetings, prayers, resolutions, wishes and such, some also mentioning last year's best parts.
to be really honest, i don't know what's going on in 2013, there's so so sooo much going on that i can't tell myself. sounds depressing huh? all that hard works, the past, the dreams, all the wasted feeling, the exploded emotion, the betrayers, the pressure, all the changes, even when i knew being introvert is a choice, i'm almost being in it. the fears of hurting anybody, the fears of messing things up, the fears of losing trust, the fears of being left.

God, i never imagine ending my 2013 and starting my 2014 by cursing all along with the sounds of fireworks.
ah, screw it. Happy new year everybody.

This is How POV-Ray Works

God, help. Help.

i don't know why i ended up here than doing my holly assignment. i feel like i really need escape, not that i'm having a hard time or what, i just need a 'thing' to be one of medium to make me stay calm, to force me evaluating myself, to tell me 'this is a life', a life that i made myself for just me in it.
i'm in the phase when i got nothing to be worried about but still there's something unexplained that left, and i can't even mention it, i can't even describe, even i don't know what it is.
i want a break from seeing anybody here, stop caring and stop worrying the people around me, because so much left unsaid without ending, it's left hanging right there.. there.. just there. hi there hahahahahaha
people, here, are so objective, and me, subjectivity and all the judgment in my head, i cannot even hide it just a bit. if i don't like a thing, i said it, if i don't like a person, i treated him/her weirdly.
people, here, haven't known me that much, some are just too hard to handle. i haven't found the trust i've been looking for a year, a one hundred trust. everything, or it's just me who assume, is fake.
over thinking kills.