It was sunday. The disappointment came back.
I was sitting in the back of the class, behind you. While humming One and Only by Adele, you knew i like to sing, even tho you knew i didn't have the talent, but you knew i sang what i really wanna sing.
It was only the very first verse, when you turned around and asked what that was for. I said what. Then you said the song, for whom?. I said no one particular, i just sang. Then you turned your back, facing front, pretended to be satisfied with my answer. You knew i lied.
I don't know why i still remember that scene clearly from 6 years ago or maybe more, i'm not even sure. But back then, i was so proud of you, i was so fond of you. But you left me disappointed big time.

This what i hate when i had pms, the sadness the anger overflowed. So instead of defend it, i let it flooded. Goooo, be saaaad, there there there bunches of sad song for companies

You in Every Pauses

I was standing by the sliding door of my apartment, facing the riverfront below me, when i saw a group of smoke clouding up the greeneries across the highway. I thought it was an incidental, i shrugged, brushed my hair with both of my hands.
And then i thought about you.
I turned 30 degree to my right, the city lights began to blink. I realized the moon was so beautiful, round and orange with a bit of whiten spots all over it. It was perfect scenery. I tried to capture it, but a shitty smartphone's camera couldn't catch what i saw. Too bad.
And then i thought about you.
How i wanna give you a thing that i saw, a thing that i eat, a thing that excite me everyday.
I erased my daydreaming, moved further from the sliding door, turned back, washed my hand, put down my mobile phone. Then i found myself staring by the sliding door again, with the same first position, facing the highway.
The smoke was larger and darker, i could see flame swallowed up the trees, i could do nothing but think "somebody must have been calling firefighter". I watched the smoke slowly faded in the sky, it flowed in to my direction, as if it knocked my door in front of me.
And then i thought about you.
I sighed. I gave up that scene. It was my bed agreed to catch me, accompanied me further into a short nap. That evening.
And then i dreamed about you.

Spectator

Have you ever seen a girl, wealthy one, who can get anything she wants but take it for granted?
Have you ever been jealous, because she's pretty, she has everything every girl needs except being grateful of herself?
But that girl was so vulnerable, that girl was so weak, that girl was so insecure
And that girl, luckily, falling in love with a guy. A really great guy.

That guy, whom i considered unfortunate to meet the girl, has everything in his mind, feels enough by what he has, and mature too fast for his age.
Such a good listener to bare with the girl's whole lots of crap whining.
He was just unlucky, sometimes.
He just lost the one he loves the most. The one who raised her well, the one who always be missed, forever.

They just didn't work out.
They should've figured it out, from the beginning.
They should've known.
They both just felt a great lost.
Just so i watch, as a spectator.

2017 : Life Goes Well

The past five years after everything, our life went on.
My sister graduated and not long after that she got a scholarship from WHO and got to continue her study in my university.
My mom accompanied her everyday and sometimes dropped by my boarding house to take a nap, had a lunch and so on. And yes, she's still as strong as ever.
My dad still working in pemda and looking for another somethin somethin to fill our increasing demand.
My brother got into college through ups and downs, he couldn't get in to the state university, i knew it was hard, the competition, the exam itself and such. But luckily now, he's studying in islamic university, i bet he's happy, my parents are also permitting even though the tuition is soooooooo much more expensive than mine and my sister. But whatever, money can be earned, God already arranged it.
And I. I... Graduated, and soon after that precisely a week after graduation i got a job, i can't thank enough for this, and now here i am in the capital city of indonesia whose street so smelly and full of traffic.

Everything goes very well, now, that we are grateful for every single thing we have, every moments we make, even my sister got herself a boyfriend who is ready to propose.

You see, life can be as hard as it can be, but as long as we're patient, grateful, and not giving up, good thing takes time. So be grateful, be grateful and be grateful, always remember that you have more than those who sleep in the street.

2012 : from That Moment on I'm being Independent

2012
After my sister's surgery, the life of my family went on. But it was never be the same again.
My sister kept getting physiological treatment, my mom had never been absent to carry her every where. My dad even bought a new ride for my mom, to make her move mobile. Every single of my big family members, my grandma, grandpa, aunt, uncle, cousin, every one had attention on my sister. Everything she needed everything she wanted, my family granted it.
But the more day passed, i guessed the more lonely she got, she wasn't prepared to be like this. She was an active college student, she was a member of social, nature and environment kind of club, she moved around a lot, and then she couldn't move her legs like she used to be, it must had been a whole mountain of shock, her whole life literally changed.
She threw a lot of tantrums everyday, to my mom specifically. She threw things, said things. I hated her words. I hated how she treated my lil brother. I hated how she treated my mom. I hated how my dad had to argue with her as soon as he arrived from work. I couldn't imagine how my mom endured it.
As i told before, the whole universe was focusing on her, while i limped and was confused on deciding my future. It was my last year if high school and i was planning to go to uni, and was planning to go as far as i could to escape from home. Because it was like madness everyday, i couldn't stand any screaming, things braking, loud crying. I was a coward to face that my family looked like a broken family, but i didn't realize that my family was just building itself stronger.
The attempt to escape was failed because my parents didn't allow me to go to Bandung for pursuing psychology. They said the family wasn't in a good condition, they couldn't sent me off because they couldn't leave my sister, and yet there's no relatives to guide me there. Tears running down, when all my planning wasn't approved, and it was the very first time they prohibited me to do something. I was so disappointed.
They suggested me to have a nearby school so they could watch over me. Then i chose to study architecture (and i'm dwelling in it until now). I prepared anything by myself, i even looked for boarding house by myself. I didn't how how such a little girl could do all that things without even consulting adults. From the moment on i'm being independent. Deciding everything on my own, going anywhere (sometimes) without my parents permission.

I had my escape days when i went to college, but i had to go home on weekend, so there it went the nightmare. I felt like everytime i went home i made it worse, so sometimes i decided to go back to boarding house sooner.
At that time my sister still received physiological therapy, she's still cranky, and it was passed 6 months.

2011 : The Saddest Time

I was planning to dedicate my weekend to write about what's been going on with my family for the past 5 years now. It took me the whole day and full album of Stars and Rabbit to reach the willing to share, because this is the only story of my life which i don't want people to know, i don't want people look at me with pity.
Why now? Because we're steady right now, we're happy, so this writing isn't meant to look for any attention or sympathy, i just want you to know we survived it all, and if you have a broken day, remember us who can make it through the storm.
I'm going to warn you that i have a short term memory so there will be so many 'i forget' and 'i guess'

2011
It was a fine morning, i woke up, prepared everything to go to school (i was in high school). I had a breakfast with full members of my family. The day was usual, ordinary. I couldn't recall what day that was, i guessed it was saturday. I used to hang out after school, but that day i went straight home. I came home from school around 2pm.
It was such a quiet afternoon at home, i guessed no one home. I entered the house from the garage like i used to do, through the kitchen, and then i felt something odd. The sink was full, there were unfinished dishes, but mom wasn't there, mom never left dishes unfinished. Never.
I went to my room, dropped my bag, got change, opened my laptop and started play some music, i hated silence.
I heard my aunt calling my name, she searched every room and found me sitting there in my room. Her gaze made me uneasy, that second i realised there's something wrong.
She said my mom was in the hospital. No, it's not her that'd been hospitalized. It was my sister. She said she got an accident this morning.
The first thought was why no one told me earlier. And then it didn't matter. I jumped off my bed, changed my clothes again and hurried to the hospital.
I forgot what i felt what i saw what i said the first time i got there. All i knew was i didn't think it was a minor accident like i used to have. I tell you what i remember, my sister condition was horrible.
That morning around 9am, she rode her motorcycle to go to campus, next town. She had a scholarship business to be done at that time. It was not to long after she went, my mom got a call from someone, i didn't know the details. My sister crashed into a box car which made turn with no signal. It was not only my sister, there was another motorcycle which crashed, luckily their condition wasn't as bad as my sister. My sister was taken to a small hospital nearby by the helpers. But my mom demanded her to be transferred to another hospital, where i was standing holding my tears looking at my most precious people sitting hopelessly in front of Intensive Care Unit room.
They said there's something wrong with my sister's spinal chord and it affected her nervous system, which i didn't understand at that time. She couldn't move her legs and arms. The doctor said it could be done with surgery, but most people couldn't get through the surgery well. It was terrifying, very very terrifying. After few days in the ICU, my sister was moved to another hospital to have surgery.
It was the hardest time for us, it was ramadhan, we're fasting, my mom and my dad was in the hospital 24/7 to take care of my sister, and i was home and had to take care of my lil brother and grandpa, kept going to school, went to hospital after school, went home prepared meals for grandpa and brother, and it went on. I was lonely, but i couldn't whine.

It was the day of my sister surgery, i went straight to hospital after school. There were the whole family in the icu waiting room already. I joined them, had a bit lunch, small talk. Some of friends came too, but i had to admit, i hated them for being there, i hated them to see my life was so down at that time.
The surgery room's door was opened, we startled, stood up and walked to it. My sister was rolled out of the surgery room. She was awake, i looked at her watery eyes until it's flooded and run through her pillow. It was horrible, i was shaking, not knowing what to do, what to say, what to think.
She was taken to icu room, my parents followed her in. The doctor said the surgery went well and he predicted she could walk again after approx 6 months of exercise.

I hated him saying that.

You know, we're muslim, we celebrated idul fitri after ramadhan. It was the saddest idul fitri ever. I wasn't literally alone because there were grandma, grandpa and my brother, but having myself in the front row with only my grandma, praying together, i couldn't held my tears, it kept coming down as i heard the imam citing every single ayat. After doing shalat idul fitri, i went to hospital with my brother, i didn't care about tradition and celebration at home anymore. May i say it once again? It was the saddest time. I could still recall how i pretended to be asleep when i heard my mom crying in the middle of the night. I could still recall the fake smile on my dad's face trying to convince me that everything's gonna be okay. I knew it won't.
I was just a kid who didn't know what to do at that time.

To Whom It May Concern

https://open.spotify.com/track/50Yl8KCgHmuLnTOt7mmGJw

Forgot the last time listening to this song which i started to listen since high school

The Day Goes By

You know it sounds stupid to be carried by a sad song. But sometimes it is necessary to put up some dramas of your life. I am beyond grateful to have everything in my life. Job, friends, family.
Working is fun with great partners, i get to laugh a lot everyday, i'm fed well, even i gain weight.
Family is good, not much actually, they are always fine, not giving me much worries.
Friends... Get new ones at work, but since everybody is so busy doing their own, some distances are made, even we can't meet once in a week anymore. I think it's time to move on to a new phase of life. I know everything won't be the same, i know it'll be temporary just like the other phases, but this will be the shortest onen, 2 years max and hopefully i'll jump to another phase.
I will tell you how much i miss my day back in the town. Everyday... Waking up in that house, get up, dress up, spend the whole day in campus. I miss how i walk past at you and we both laugh for no reason, i miss how we discuss everything, i miss how we end up waiting for the same meeting, i miss being called 'mbak nida''. As simple as that.

You Should've Known Better

You know, you should've known better.
Brokenhearted is simply not trusting anymore.
Is simply knowing someone else be treated the same as you
Is simply knowing you're not special anymore
Is simply feeling that every single of his jokes are not funny anymore
Is simply feeling that every encouragement from him is meaningless
That simple thing hit you right on the spot and in the mean time you realize you're not wanting him anymore
You're not expecting his chat anymore
And the best part is you're not breaking down for him anymore