this is another clumsy girl sitting beside my grandma's bed in a quite small room smelled like medicine. yes, i'm in hospital, again. i've been like live here my whole teenage life. me, myself even have ever stayed here for days.
my aunt talks excitedly telling my grandma and my grandma's younger brother about health insurance nowadays, and i get nothing to be interested about, so this clumsy girl listen to 'To Whom It May Concern' by The Civil Wars, it may be a great song message for the one that got away.
no need to pretend i have bad days the whole last week, all the goddamn assignment forced me to stay in my friend's house for a week. that was a group assignment. and it kinda make me sad, cause i've been hurt a lil bit, idk if it's because it really hurt or it just because i had a period.
this short written note isn't a thing but garbage, i can't even concentrate to what i write, once again i'm in hospital.

sometimes you need to give up and give it a rest. giving up, sometimes does save you from hurting :) and don't you think you're the only one who's hurting, because life is a cycle, someone who hurts you technically will be suffered too, or..... she had ever been.

At The End of The Day

it'd have been hundreds times i really wanted to scream and curse on those people, but at the end of the day i just remained silent. it's so funny when i asked you several question on my way back home, why you let just me to be this miserable to think and loathe about it, God :) thanks for giving me this kind of feeling, You know me better, You know how to try me by turning the one who used to praise on my feet into my nemesis side. thanks for crashing me into pieces so i know now what worth the wait and what worth the thoughts :)

A 'Lil Pep Talk

we do feel sad we do not literally fail but the result of our hard work doesn't really good. people can say 'at least we've tried hard', but that's not calming. we know we've done our best but we also know we don't deserve more. once again at least we try. i don't get the people who say if you can't do it it's better for you to not work on it. i can not possibly think that way because the other people say you won't know if you never try, well you may get wrong but i do really agree if the effort and the journey of that result need to be counted. yes you think logically, but in life sometimes logical thinking hurts.

you know what hurts the most, it's when you think you are a candle. you lighten up people around you, but you sacrifices yourselves, you are getting burn. you destroy yourselves while build up another body and soul. you teach your friends and get C while around you get B. sometimes i feel like life is unfair, yes, life is too cruel to be admitted. at that point you need to flipped your card, go to the brighter side, take a deep breath and smile. this is not the end of the world. you're not dead just because the system, you are the system of your life, you can turn everything upside down. 

people say that the statements 'a failure is a postponed winning' is just an alibi of loser, but that loser still always have the will the hope and the belief to be the winner. the winner itself is to win yourself first, once you get a grip and be able to control yourself, and be your own system, congratulations, you rule your world baby :)

Ding Dong It's 2013

in the early of 2013, well happy new year, i got an extraordinary new year's eve, i thought it would be fun to have my old friend blend in with the new ones, well it should be. but no, what i felt wasn't something awesomely pleased. if i might, i would just say 'it's just okay'. i did know sometimes it's just me a little too sarcastic and skeptic, especially when i responded people's story. it's like you're not in that story, you're not interested and you ended up pretending that you're listening. i didn't and don't give a shit about change anymore, it's people's rights to change because i knew environment teach and people grow. so, yeah, just don't think too much.

i had my week fully at home before exams, but the assignments of basic aesthetic driving the whole class crazy this week. people were so stressful, they tweeted frequently, and today was the D-day. here's my result, i hated facebook for accusing me that i posted illegal video even though it's completely made by myself... except the song.

by the way i turned eighteen this week, i didn't expect anything much, i hid my birthday date on facebook because.... i don't like people wish me birthday just because facebook telling 'em, not because they remembered, meaning they didn't really care. and it also because i'd been threatened by egg and flour from my friends. so i let the ones who really care to lighten up my day, even though it's just five up to ten. there's no point of my birthday this year, i wasn't really sad but yet i wasn't happy, it's just so numb. a bunch of my freaky friends came to my home to give me some kind of surprise party.... which turned into a big failure, because i could definitely see them IN FRONT OF my house through the window. they begged me to pretend that i was surprised, then i did it. my birthday wish was white or red balloons, but they brought bubbles instead, yeah that's okay. and they gave me a clock... with alarm, stuff like that .__.

oh, almost forgot, i broke my cellphone, now i - perhaps - would use my dad's, but to earn something we needed sacrifices (said my dad), i had to copy all the contact number from one cell to another. curse you who taught people about sacrifices -____-

note for you people that i learnt in my bornday

" don't expect someone to give you special treatment, unless you're a princess, there's no heart who will loyally serve you a bliss"

and.... don't ever wish your sibling to be disappeared, remember Zathura!

when you're crazily busy and bail on so many appointments
then you go trying not to bail on another one by cancelling the other, you get an uncertainty as the feedback :)
it's so okay

Lola's Back

In a friendly environment like Manhattan, it's the day when Lola walked by, she knocked at Mrs. Angelique she asked to go to her bathroom because her way to home was still a bit far. from Mrs. Angelique window's she saw that boy standing across the street. he seemed confused for a while, then a girl came out with big grin wearing yellow skirt with a beautiful ribbon on her big head. both smiled at each other. Lola was called by Mrs. Angelique. She went out right after she fulfilled her business, she walked down the street. in front of her, that boy and that girl walked cheery, it seemed to realize Lola's presence.

"Oh, hi Lola!", he greeted

"Hi Alex, good day huh?", answered her. shortly.

"Yeah, it's bright enough. Oh, this is my new neighbor, my new friend too, Rose. Rose, this is Lola, my classmate"

"Hi, i'm Lola, please to meet you, welcome to our town", answered her by recklessly shaking Rose's hand

"Nice to meet you too, Lola", Rose answered

"Hey we're going to Bill's, you can come?", asked Alex

"Oh, can't. i've got to get home real quick, see you at school tomorrow, bye"

Lola talked without even looked at their face and turned her body fast. She stared at one point when the street didn't even look like a street anymore. She tucked both her hands to her jeans' pocket, plugged her earphone and pressed the button of her music player. The Scientist by Coldplay playing.

she couldn't pretend to be happy when the place she used to live 7 years ago felt so strange. a friend who used to be her neighbor had already got a new neighbor. a candy shop that used to have a big neon at front, now it became an office of diamond agent. those black classical street lights turned red. those humid asphalt which reflected the spirit of the moon just showed a common grey road, she screamed in silent. she didn't blame anyone for this lonesome, it's just like everything had changed and all what'd been given to her was taken. she used to have that house, she used to have that middle chair in the class, she used to have someone on the phone to talk, she used to have someone to text, she used to have an extra candy, she used to have place to shout the hell out. 

All she felt now, all that she wanted was just to have everything she used to have, sometimes people didn't wanna grow up, but that's not what she wanted. as the soundtrack of Tangled went on, she sang along

"Flower gleam and glow, let the power shine, make the clock reverse

  bring back what once was mine.... what once was mine"

Maroon 5 - Daylight

lemme be frank i wasn't really interested in this music video before because of the thumbnail of the video just seems so common, plus most of Maroon 5's MVs are explicit. but this... this video isn't selling the song, it sells the story behind. it shows how this world isn't as peace as it seems, there are a whole lot of crisis especially for teenagers. hundreds teens bullied, hundreds of them are already being orphans, hundreds other commits suicide, cancer, anorexic, bulimic, uses drugs and such.
most of them are being aside because of their religion, color, their parents' job or their social status. this video shows how people around the world shouting and asking for help, it's their confession to the world and of course they don't want their other friends from another side of the world suffers like them. 

the most touching scene for me is when a girl holds a white paper with 'I'm A Muslim and I'm Proud of It' on it. and yeah so do I, I'm a Moslem and I really really proud to be part of it, with no single doubt.

first thing first on this video is don't judge each other, respect and love each other is waaaay lighter thing to do. no matter what they say, you are who you are, you don't need to be ashamed if your fat, you don't need to feel small if you're black, you don't have to study all the time just because you're Asian, hang out and talk to strangers sometimes, be honest to everyone, smile and laugh everyday, don't anchor yourself in misery, say 'thanks' and 'please' frequently. all that advises are resumed in 'stand up, be bold, and chin up!' ;)

Mother's Day Letter

Dear Mother,

i don't know how to put my feelings in to words. i'm not another kids who easily express their love in front of  their mom, i am your ignorant typical daughter. i forgot how you always asked what i've got from school eleven years ago, i almost forgot how you and i rode motorcycle without raincoat in the middle of heavy rain and you bought me meatball soup just to keep my body warm again. and i remember how i told you my bad dream and you told me it's just my imagination. i hardly remember how you were so upset to me when you found out that i lied to you, and you always didn't take any side when your first and second daughter fought.
i'm sorry i had ever thought that you're not a good mother, that you're not being fair with me, that you didn't love me. i'm deadly sorry for that. i'm sorry sometimes i'm not a nice kid you always want, i'm not a kid who can't please you, not even make you proud. i'm sorry i made you mad, oftenly.
sometimes i miss you like.. so bad. i miss our family at that time. sometimes i imagine if bad things didn't occur to us, if both your daughter could study well in college and came home every weekend, happily. you're  super super super woman, the real one, i've ever known. we're more than lucky enough to have you.
thank you for taking care of me until now, thank you for not giving up, thank you for your godzilla size of patience, thank you for keeping an eye on me, thank you for your short pep talk before school, thank you for staying beside dad, thank you for teaching me how a good kid should be. i love you so much more than i love myself, if i have to die to pay your love back...... i will even though it isn't possible to be equal

with my whole heart,
Your daughter

That was That : Engineer's Environment

Mendengar kata “fakultas teknik”, banyak orang – termasuk saya – membayangkan di dalamnya terdapat orang – orang dengan taraf intelektual yang tinggi, ditambah lagi dengan embel – embel nama universitas yang tak asing lagi didengar masyarakat Indonesia bahkan sampai ke telinga internasional. Memang kenyataan di lapangan anak fakultas teknik sangat aktif baik dalam perkuliahan maupun organisasi. Lingkungan yang restless menuntut mahasiswa untuk terus bekerja dan belajar. Hal itu membuat kesehatan pribadi mereka menempati presentasi terkecil dalam otak mereka, terlebih lagi ada sebagian dari mereka yang beralibi mencari inspirasi atau menenangkan diri dengan rokok. sebenarnya pihak universitas sudah melarang baik staff maupun mahasiswa dari masing - masing fakultas untuk tidak merokok di lingkungan kampus. Namun pemikiran konvensional "peraturan dibuat untuk dilanggar" masih menggelantungi pola pikir mereka. masih banyak perokok - perokok yang dengan santai melenggang tanpa ada yang menegur atau memberi sanksi. hal tersebut membuktikan pihak universitas maupun fakultas menutup mata terhadap peraturan yang telah dibuat.

Bukti nyata dari pelangggaran tersebut dapat dilihat di salah satu jurusan di fakultas teknik. Setiap menginjak jam makan siang, kantin jurusan tersebut bukan lagi menjadi tempat makan melainkan sudah berubah menjadi smoking area. Hal tersebut membuat penghuni yang lain merasa sangat tidak nyaman. 

Masih ada beberapa hal mengagetkan yang saya temukan belakangan ini. Angkatan saya mengadakan malam kesenian beberapa minggu yang lalu. Seluruh urusan acara berjalan lancar, menurut rencana acara kami akan selesai sekitar pukul 11 malam dan perijinan baik dari fakultas maupun keamanan kampus sudah kami kantongi termasuk ijin portal gerbang kampus. Namun sayangnya karena durasi molor acara selesai pukul setengah 12 dan penjaga portal sudah menutup portal gerbang kampus.

lalu apa yang terjadi dengan tamu dan panitia yang masih berada di lokasi?

to be continued